The Meathead

Hello and Happy New Year!

The last 6 months or so of 2017 were a little slow for me, sexually speaking. I just wasn’t speaking to or meeting anyone that I wanted to connect with on any level. I had deleted all my dating apps and most of the “black book” numbers in my phone. I’ll write more on what was going on in my life during the last half of the year later. And no, I didn’t spend it masturbating. Well, not ALL of it anyways.

Towards the end of the year, I joined Pof, Bumble, and Tinder. I decided it was time to start exploring again, and right before the new year, there were a couple of men who peaked my interest. I have met one so far and he is the subject of this post. The Meathead.

He messaged me on Pof asking if I was looking for discreet fun. For anyone who doesn’t know, “discreet fun” is code for married. Of course I played dumb though and asked why it would need to be discreet. He was up front about it and told me about his relationship and how it’s missing something. I’ll give you a second to try and guess what that was.

Men in relationships aren’t something I look for, but as far as casual sex goes, it’s relatively simple (And it had been about 6 months since I’d had sex). You know it’s not going anywhere which makes it easy to keep things casual and just enjoy the sex. Hopefully. He obviously did not have a picture on his profile so I gave him my number to send me one and told him I couldn’t really say if I was interested or not when I didn’t even know if I found him attractive. He sent one and he’s definitely not someone I would normally go for. Total meathead, all neck, all shoulders, basically a bull in man form, and all his pictures were gym selfies. But he was cute in a steroid-y kind of way.

When I asked what exactly was missing from his sex life, he said passion. The more we talked, the more I became convinced what he meant by “passion” was actually intimacy. He wasn’t looking for a bunch of partners, he just wanted one that he could have a physical relationship with. He told me how he loved to kiss and go down. He loved to please. Several times he told me how he loves eating pussy and how much I was going to like it and I’d never want him to leave and I’d want him to be mine. Ok, great. Sounds like it could be fun as long as he doesn’t show up and try to make love to me. Buuut…I had a small fear that’s exactly what he was going to do.

I set up a dickpointment for one morning this past week and he came over before work. He was better looking in person, he had a purty mouth. Now, body hair doesn’t bother me too much, I enjoy a little hair on my men. But this was not a little hair. His winter coat had come in nicely and was actually more of a snowsuit. Sort of how I imagine a bear’s coat comes in just before winter hibernation. But, he was in my apartment now so might as well see what he’s got for skills.

Let’s start with the kissing. It was nice, but…short? For a man who claimed he wanted passion, all of his kisses were soft and kind of delicate and only for a couple of seconds. I soon realized this was because he is a hardcore mouth breather and if his mouth was on mine for too long, he probably would have just passed out. And then I’d be laying there with a winterized bear on top of me.

He skipped over most of my body, including my breasts. Weird, because I have a pretty sweet rack. But, just a quick hello and it was down to the honey pot. I’m going to guess my high moisture levels had more to do with the recent drought and less to do with his skills. Men, read this carefully. Do not claim to love eating pussy and then spend 3 minutes or less doing it before asking if she’s going to cum. If she hasn’t verbally told you it’s happening or she has stopped moved and appeared to have passed out from pleasure, keep going. (He did this a couple of times, so he WAS trying.) But if this isn’t you, you haven’t been there long enough.

On to the fucking. It was ok. Except remember the mouth breathing? Imagine a bear on top of you, tryng to gaze into your eyes, and breathing onto your face as if it had just run an Olympic sprint. His breath is how hurricanes start. The silver lining was that his breath did not stink. Small win. The arthritis was in my knees so we stuck with him on top, which was fine once I got him to move around a little more so it wasn’t just boring old missionary with a couple sweet little kisses.  Like most people, I turn the temperature down when I go to bed, maybe even lower than most and keep it pretty cool. Even so, the meathead’s sweater was keeping him pretty warm. And because he didn’t want to cum until he absolutely had to, he kept moving. Which made him sweaty. Which meant I had a hot breath hurricane complete with his head sweat dripping all over me. And every time I touched him, I was touching sweaty fur. I wouldn’t have minded so much if I wasn’t started to find him less attractive. He kept asking questions too. Stupid questions like, So are you going to let me come over again? Am I supposed to say no while he’s inside me? I told him to shut up and stop talking instead. It was around this time I told him to stop and lay down so I could go down on him. When he rolled off me, my body was glistening with his sweat. He had a decent dick though.

There’s not much more after that. It was getting time for him to get to work so we had more sex. He laid beside me in the bed for a bit and chatted about our previous conversations and how he thinks I misunderstood something. He had kept asking the same question in the same way and I had finally been like, dude, yes you can come over, I’ve already said that, stop asking. I’ll let you know if something changes. He wanted to clarify that and I said I didn’t care and we didn’t need to talk about it. He said ok and then got up and headed to work. I wanted to go back to sleep, but was left with the decision, Do I lay in the wet spot or the sweat spot? I chose to change my sheets.

I don’t think I’m going to be what he’s looking for and he’s definitely not what I’m looking for. He did text me later that day, but my responses were pretty brief and I thankfully haven’t heard from him since.

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The LBD Project

In April, I decided to join a program at a local gym called The Little Black Dress Project. A couple girls at work had done it a couple of times, and it looked like something I might be interested in. I had already done a month of Whole30 and I was walking with my dog every day and was feeling pretty good and I was looking for a fun way to get more physical activity in. And since I’m single and the perfect casual sex partner has not yet graced my vagina with his presence, I had to find something else. The gym is called Readiness Fitness and it’s very unique. It is not your typical stop by after work and beat up the treadmill for 45 minutes. It is all women (except for the Spartan training), and it is all classes. It is essentially a big warehouse with a padded floor. The floor is my favourite part. No shoes required! The LBD project is a 6 week program with fitness classes, a meal plan, 3D body scan, daily emails/encouragement, weekly check-ins, challenges, and a celebration at the end of it all. I enjoyed most of the classes I took. Surprisingly, my favourite class happened at 530am, and I dragged my ass out of bed more mornings that I would have guessed to go to that class! Within the first couple of weeks, I could feel my workout clothes getting bigger. It became a problem in some classes where you were constantly moving around on your feet. Since my clothes were getting bigger, that meant ALL my clothes were getting bigger. Including my underwear. I don’t consider this and go into a dance based class where I’m on my feet and bouncing around for an hour, and believe me, things did bounce. And not only are my pants falling down, but so is my underwear. I’m already “dancing” like a newborn giraffe that came out head first a little too fast, and now I have to start sticking my hands down my pants, pull up my panties, and hope the wedgie holds for the rest of the class.

I went to a class during a lunch hour once that was changed last minute from a class that I love to a class that I loathe. It’s called I Hate You and I’m Going to Kill You, but for short, they call it Wave. It’s 4 of the worst moves ever and you do them in increasing and decreasing time frames until your soul leaves your body to take you away from the trauma. This particular day it was burpees, squats, pushups, and planks. I’m not very strong yet and can’t physically do all the moves, so I do modifications. Let me tell you though, modifications don’t mean shit in this class. My body still died, one muscle at a time. So what we started with was 30 seconds of burpees. Then rest. Then 45 seconds of burpees and 30 seconds of squats, then rest. Then 60 seconds, 45 seconds, and 30 seconds of pushups. Then 75, 60, 45, and 30 seconds of planks. Then you finally get to start decreasing the first exercises while increasing the latter. Like a wave. I was angry the entire class and it took me 4 days to be able to walk properly. I couldn’t sit down on the toilet without supporting myself. I broke my towel rack. My thighs burned with the fire of a thousand suns and a mere drawing of a staircase could make me cry.

But besides that one, I enjoyed all the classes I tried out. It’s a very comfortable, welcoming vibe in the gym. I didn’t talk to a lot of people, I just went and did my thing, leaving a pool of sweat wherever I went. I have been to other gyms before. Even all female gyms, and this one was just different. I liked that there were only classes. It made me work harder. There’s very much a cheerleader vibe about the place, rah rah, warrior women. If that’s your thing, you can be right in the thick of it. If you’re more like me, you can watch it at arm’s length and take in the amount you need to aide in your success.

Every week with the email checkins, my answers about my struggles were always the same. Even if I didn’t make it to a class, I still went on a walk for at least an hour. Food was not as easy. I did ok, but if I hadn’t already done Whole30, I don’t think I would have been as successful. There were definitely more committed women there than I was, but the great part is that for the entire 6 weeks, you only work against yourself. There are no “stats” or weigh-ins for the entire time. Using the scale is discouraged because your body is changing in so many ways that the scale doesn’t measure.

So at the end, I lost 19 pounds of fat and gained 6 pounds of lean muscle (About 30 lbs total since February). My body composition improved, I lost 16 inches, and my BMI went down a few points. We get all this information from our 3D scan at Neurofitness. You stand on this rotating disc and a laser records your body. Then you can sign into your account and look at this suuuper flattering 3D picture of your mostly naked body 🙄 They really capture the magic of every bump, roll, and divet. Overall, I was pretty happy with the results. I’ve decided to join the next round in the fall to see how much I can improve. Seeing all the women at the end celebration and their victories was encouraging.

Since it ended, I have been slacking. I haven’t been using the gym at my apartment, I’ve been walking less frequently, and my food choices have been poor. My food prep has been non-existent for the last couple of weeks. I eat bad, then I feel bad. I get so tired and all the energy is sucked out of me. Which makes it hard to prepare healthy meals when all I want to do is sleep and eat whatever is fast and makes me feel good in that moment. It’s a shitty cycle to get trapped in. I’m going to start another round of Whole30 right away and get back on track. When I think I can relax, I get too relaxed. If I cheat once, I’ll cheat twice. Fuuuuuck.

My Holiday Challenges

I know it’s already well into the Christmas season, but it’s never too late for a challenge. Or challenges. I’m already failing at a couple of them lol

1. Be aware of your calories. Research those snacks and track them! There are 60 calories in one measly icy square. 60! You’d have to walk for 20 minutes to burn 3 of them off.

2. If you must (as I must), have a taste of whatever is there and then go away.

3. At those big, delicious Christmas meals around every corner, wait at least 20 minutes after eating to decide if you really really really want that second helping.

4. Don’t give yourself a free day on Christmas. Find a way to get in at least 30 minutes of activity on Christmas day or eve. Whenever your big meal is.

5. At least 180 minutes of exercise between now and New Year’s Day that doesn’t involve going to the gym (unless you try something new at the gym) or your usual routine. It’s a great time of year for sledding, afternoon walks, playing with children (preferably ones you know), charades, twister, Wii with your cousins, building a snowman, etc.

My Week

So, I’ve started this new project at work and I really like it. Right now I’m in the testing mode, trying to break a new system that will be rolling out in the new year. It’s great! I work with great, fun people, I get my downtown parking paid for, I’m Monday to Friday like a regular person, and I get fed. The getting fed is a perk and a drawback. They bring in breakfast and lunch for us every day except Wednesdays (I’m not sure why hump day is also no food day. Well, they give us breakfast that day, but no lunch). Some days, it’s good in terms of health, and other days, not so much. For instance, one breakfast was pancakes, sausage, and bacon. Another was muffins and yogurt. Another was cinnamon buns and fruit. Lunch has been things like chicken fingers and fries, crab cakes and rice pilaf, lasagna, and soup and sandwiches. It’s been a test for my willpower and portion control. I’m happy to report that I feel successful so far. I always make sure to grab a yogurt (low-calorie, low sugar) and a piece of fruit and maybe a granola bar or bag of veggies before I leave in the morning so that if I don’t want can resist what they’re serving, I won’t starve and make poor choices later.

Supper this week has been a different story. I’m loving the Monday to Friday and the social aspect it’s brought back into my life, but going out for supper and/or drinks almost every night is not going to help me in the long run. On Tuesday I went for wine and appetizers at Moxies, Thursday was Bushwakker’s for mead (Blackberry mead that they only make once a year and limit you to two 12oz glasses) and a wild boar burger and fries. And Friday was Bushwakker’s for mead and a veggie burger and fries. I know, fries two nights in a row is a bad idea. But I only know one person who doesn’t like Bushwakker’s fries and she once broke my bed so she can’t be trusted. They’re homemade and served with malt vinegar.

There was a fire alarm one day this week and we had to evacuate our building. I walked the 5 flights back up to our floor. The near-death experience I had suggests I desperately need to get back into a regular gym routine.

Winter Blues

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but a few of my friends and their friends are part of a small, private facebook group that was started a few months ago when we all decided we wanted to make some changes in our lives. We mainly talk about our struggles and successes with weight loss, food, and fitness, but a little bit of everything in our lives gets thrown in.

I’ve been noticing lately that as a group, we have been relatively quiet. We’re all a little lazy right now. Ok, a lot lazy. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the 4 month hump. I don’t know. But we’ve decided to do a challenge this week to get us moving again! If you’ve been feeling the same way, take the challenge with us. It’s simple: Do SOMETHING 3 times this week. Anything. Clean your house, shovel some snow, go to the gym, go for a run/walk, take the dog for a walk, check out a yoga class, walk to work…whatever. I’m starting with a trip to the gym tomorrow 🙂

I Quit!

My job, that is. My parttime job. I haven’t quit yet, but I plan on it. I have several reasons, and they are in no particular order. One: starting in January, I am going to be a regular person. By this I mean that I won’t be working shifts anymore. I will be on a project for 6 months or so and I will once again have my evenings and weekends free. Admittedly, it is going to be hard to work 5 days in a row again, and only having 2 off at a time, but it sure will be nice not to work 12 hour shifts. I’ll also be losing all my overtime, which is on almost every single paycheque. So financially, it doesn’t make any sense at all to quit my second job when I’m already going to be making less money at my fulltime job. But just the thought of being able to go for drinks after work, or when someone asks me to go on a roadtrip or to a party, I won’t have to check my schedule first and plan a month in advance when I have my next weekend off. Two:  Even though I’m saving money on clothes by using my employee discount, I’m spending way more than I normally would just because I have the discount. So I’m not coming out ahead on anything. Three: My feet hurt after every shift. Four: My boss is weird and supreme overlord of retail rules. Five: When I don’t have a real, legit break from work, and have enough chill time by myself, I become unpleasant to be around. Six: Poor Walter is being neglected. Seven: I haven’t been to the gym since I started my second job. I count my second job as my exercise since I’m on my feet all shift. How pathetic is that? Sure, I could always find the time to go, but I’ll refer you back to numbers five and six. I’ve been so unmotivated to go to the gym that all I do when I do have a few free hours is lounge around the house. I can’t even make it outside to take Walter for a walk most of the time.

I may present my manager with the option of letting me work very casually, like maybe a shift or two every couple of weeks, or fill in for a couple hours if someone desperately needs a Saturday afternoon off or something. But even that doesn’t sound very appealing to me. I may just cut and run. Who am I kidding? I’m definitely going to cut and run.

Love the Scale, Hate the Scale

Can I get a show of hands…who hates the scale? Let’s see…1, 2, 3…ok, pretty much everyone. I guess I’m alone in not hating it. I like seeing the numbers. I step on the scale every day or two, just to see where I’m at and it helps keep me on track. My attitude may change as times goes on and my journey continues, but for now, I’m friends with the scale.

I know the numbers don’t work for everyone and can be really discouraging. For example, one of my friends had a bad weigh day recently. She’s been doing really great, following weight watchers and doing lots of activity. But the number still went up and I know it discouraged her and fed that little voice in the back of her head that we all have, telling us it’s pointless and we’ll feel better if we gorge on chips, chocolate, candy, starch, etc. Silence! Numbers are a great way to follow progress, but what is more important than the numbers is how we feel and look. And she feels great! Plus, her clothes are fitting better which means she’s still doing something right. And that to me, is inspiring. She resisted the urge to jump into a downward spiral just because the scale told her to.

There can be any number of reasons the scale doesn’t move the way we want it to, or as fast as we want it to. Maybe the battery is dying, maybe it’s an old scale, maybe you’ve been doing great hitting the gym and built a little more muscle than you expected, maybe you’ve been developing great tone, or maybe you just fucked up and lost your mind and ate at Arby’s. Whatever the case may be, you’re doing great and will be doing even better next week. That’s my little affirmation for the day.

Ohh, It’s The Deep Burn

Oh, it’s so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm ’cause I did so many. I don’t know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand

Today I went to the gym for the second time! And this time I used the weight machines in addition to the cardio (my guns are really coming along nicely). I like that they’ve incorporated a space that is women only. It’s not secluded or anything, but still, it feels less intimidating. And I only had to listen to the snotty nosed, grunting man while I was on the treadmill. He wasn’t allowed into the ladies only area where it is clearly a more delicate and pristine environment and no one sweats, or makes any kind of noise even resembling a grunt, or accidentally farts while doing a squat or a sit-up 😉 I haven’t made my personal training appointments yet, but it’s on my to-do list, I swear.

You know, even though I didn’t do much today, I still feel like I accomplished a lot. Baby Kitty woke me up by screaming in my face this morning. I threw her against the wall for about a half hour before I looked at my phone and realized it was 9:30 and I should probably get up anyways. So, even though she was/is beyond annoying, I can understand why she wanted me to get up and feed her and let her outside. And once I was up, I had breakfast, watched the new episode of Sons of Anarchy (if you aren’t watching this show, watch it. Watch it now), had a shower, and went into work for a meeting. After that, gym time, a quick sandwich for supper, and then a walk around the park with a friend and Walter. I don’t feel like I have leftover energy at the moment, but I still feel amazing. Yay for activity!

The Day I Didn’t Go To The Gym

So, no matter how hard I try to train myself to sleep on my back, I can’t help still sleeping on my side some of the time. This position is most comfortable for me, but it kills my shoulder. The right one in particular. Sometimes I sleep on a pillow and elevate my head to create kind of a “pocket” for my shoulder to rest in and that kind of works. But I inevitably end up curling my shoulder under and crushing it throughout the night. Luckily, I have some sweet benefits at work and I am able to get reimbursed for massages throughout the year. I try to go at least once a month, sometimes more.

My plan for yesterday was to get up early, go to the gym, shower, go for lunch with my friend Ashley, then go for my massage. Well, the getting up early part didn’t really work out. I shut my alarm off and went back to sleep and when I woke up again, I didn’t have time to go. I decided I’d go in the evening instead, even though I really wanted to go in the morning so my massage would be after the workout. Ashley and I had a great catch-up visit during our meal at Brown’s Social House. Omg, delicious! I had the Tahitian tuna with the cowgirl salad and braised red cabbage and goat cheese instead of rice. Only 450 calories! The atmosphere was really cool and relaxed, the service was great, and obviously I liked the food. Highly recommend checking them out if you haven’t already. I also took the opportunity to tell her about what I’m doing. I’m gradually allowing the people in my life to read the blog and told a few more yesterday evening as well.

After lunch, I headed to my massage at Jane’s. It’s my favourite day spa. Well, pretty much the only one I’ve ever been to, but they’re amazing there. Always friendly and really know what they’re doing. I usually see Sonia for my massages. She’s very petite, but has magic hands. She whipped my shoulder back into place and it feels soo much better today.

Almost every time I have a massage, I fall asleep. But not a sweet, peaceful sleep. Well, not for Sonia anyways. I snore, snort, and honk and try to pretend I didn’t just fall asleep. And I always come out with JBF hair (just been fucked). All the hair, none of the fun. But at least my shoulder feels good.

This is after I’ve gotten into the car and tamed it down a bit. Parts were sticking straight up 5 minutes before this picture.

I stopped for a few quick groceries, and when I got home, I made my roommate Tricia and I some yummy apple cheddar snacks. It’s a recipe from Anna Olson that we found in Chatelaine magazine…

1 grated apple, 1 cup reduced fat cheddar cheese (I used old), 1/2 cup plain yogurt, 1/3 cup chopped walnuts, grainy mustard (I used Gravelbourg Saskatoon Berry Mustard. Bought at the Co-op. Who knew the small town of Gravelbourg made mustard?!), and 6 small whole wheat tortillas. Mix all ingredients, divide between tortillas, wrap, and eat hot or cold. To warm up, place the wrap on a paper towel and microwave for about 30 seconds. Yum! My only complaint was that it was a little runny so I think next time, I’ll chop the apples instead.

Oh, and before groceries, I stopped at Bath Goddess and bought some yummy smelling vanilla brown sugar body scrub and body butter. Heavenly. I didn’t even know they had a blog until today and apparently I should have bought my butter last Monday when it was 40% off. Dammit!

Now, my plan was to go to the gym in the evening since I missed it in the morning, but I had all kinds of excuses not to go. I also had a coupon for Sally beauty supply for 15% off that I had specifically spent the right amount there last month in order to get the coupon for August which was expiring yesterday. Since I would have had to drive to the south end to go to Sally anyways, I figured I should just go to the gym at the same time. But it was 5pm and would be busy with people just getting off work and I hate going to the gym when it’s busy. But I didn’t want to make two trips to the south end of the city. You can see my dilema. What I ended up doing was going to Superstore for groceries instead and not going to Sally or to the gym. And then I was distracted at the grocery store when I did the self-checkout and I forgot to take something with a 50% sticker on it to the associate to give me the discount and paid full price for about to expire, never tried before quark. What is quark? Some kind of soft cheese apparently. And it’s $8 full price! After that I came home and watched 3 episodes of Big Rich Texas and felt pretty good about the kind of person I am.

I almost didn’t go to the gym this morning either. I almost gave in and let myself fall back asleep. But I didn’t as you know from my last post. Yay me!