Word of the Day: Frisson

I was just thinking today about why I’m so sure this is the man for me. I don’t really believe that there’s only one person for each of us. That’s a very narrow view, especially if you lose your partner or spouse to death. There might be one for some, but I can’t say for sure that’s for me. What I do know is that I am sure this is the man I want to marry, the man I want to have children with, and the man I want to grow old with. I will be a very lucky woman if I get all 3 of those, but I would settle for the last two. Bryce is more that I had hoped for and is giving me an amazing life full of love and the future. Sure, he’s annoying as fuck sometimes. I probably (definitely) am too, but he would never say that. He never says anything bad about me. And when I say I’m annoying, it’s more like I’m a miserable bitch. But I’m also quite logical and reasonable so I know when I’m doing it and try to check myself. He tries to make me happy again.

We’ve had conversations about marriage. I told him early on that although it’s not a deal-breaker for me, I would prefer to get married. In recent years, I’ve been on the fence about marriage. If I met someone who wanted to, definitely. If I met someone who didn’t want to, that was ok too. But then I met Bryce and I know I want to marry him. I have told him that if he doesn’t want to, or doesn’t want to right away, I need to know that so I can stop pinning things on Pinterest, stop following Instagram hashtags about wedding dresses, and generally stop daydreaming about what it would be like and laughing at the images of all my friends ugly-crying. So far he hasn’t said no for sure, but I still don’t have a ring.

One night we were making jokes about when we have kids. He’s been talking about us having kids since before we said I love you. The next day I was talking to a friend about it and how I would like to get married first, before we have kids. Not for any traditional reason. Mine was purely selfish. I wanted more time together without kids, and I wanted to have a wedding that was all about me, one where I didn’t have to worry about who was looking after the kid/s, what they were doing, who was watching them while we honeymooned, etc. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how old the eggs are getting. I am currently 37. I don’t want a quickie wedding, I want to plan one and have all my friends and family there. So by the time we get engaged, plan the wedding, have the wedding, I would be going on 39 before we even think of starting our family. And I’ve never had a pregnancy scare, who knows if I can even have kids, right? So then I’m 38/39 trying to have a baby, and if that doesn’t work, fertility treatments, adoption, etc. Both of which can be time-consuming and expensive.

That night I went home and said, Should we be serious about trying to start a family right now? He said Yep. Twist his rubber arm, right? This was sometime in mid to late March. I went off birth control right away and downloaded an app to track my period and ovulation. I was on a medication for my rheumatoid arthritis that is known to cause birth defects so I made an appointment to speak with my rheumatologist about it. I also made an appointment with my family doctor to get his advice. I had to take a double dose of medication used to treat high cholesterol for a week or so to flush the arthritis drug out of my body. It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t as bad as it is for some people. Once that was done, then I had to get a blood test. The results in this can take some time as the blood has to be sent to the provincial lab to analyze. Once that was finished, my rheumatologist called to give me the go-ahead. In the meantime, I spoke with my family doctor, and he was soo excited at the prospect of me trying to have a baby! He told me to try for 6 months because of my age, and if I wasn’t pregnant by then, to come back and he would refer me to an obgyn to look at our options.

So, my period came in March as expected, and again in April. But it didn’t show up in May. I took a pregnancy test. I took 3 pregnancy tests in the days after my missed period. All negative. My period used to be very irregular when I was younger, and I had just gone off birth control. I wasn’t too worried yet and figured I would give it some time. But then I realized I missed my period in June too. So I took a test. I took 5 tests. They were all positive!!!!! Guys, I’m Pregnant! Holy shit.

The Man From Chamberlain Gets a Name (Part 4)

Whoa, it has been such a long time! I’ve been busy living my life and keeping a lot of it to myself, my family, and close friends. Since I met the man from Chamberlain, I’ve felt the desire to keep him private. It just felt too special to share every moment along the way. But now I am ready to share with my dear, neglected readers. When I returned from Cuba, our relationship continued to grow. The Man from Chamberlain is named Bryce and I am in love with him. It was near the end of May last year when I asked him if we should be exclusive. He had been so all along. Me, not as much lol But he allowed me to make that move because he is sensitive to big changes in my life. Once this was established, I invited him to a birthday party to meet some of my friends. He fit in very well. He had worked a 12 hour day, then drove an hour to get to the party, stayed a few hours, drove an hour home, and was up at 5am to work another 12 hour day because he wanted to meet the people in my life. When he was ready to go, I walked him to his truck and asked if he wanted a blowjob. His face lit up and he said “Yeah!” I said, “Ok, let’s go. But I have a party to get back to, so don’t be a hero about it.”

A day or so later he asked me to go with him to the farm and meet his parents. They are so lovely and were pretty excited to meet me. We went shooting and razring in the bush, typical redneck things haha Unfortunately, shortly after this, a close family friend passed away. Bryce was very supportive and came along to attend the funeral (and meet my parents). He was more nervous to meet mine than I was meeting his. But there was nothing to worry about, my parents immediately loved him. A couple of weeks later, we attended my youngest cousin’s high school graduation. Most of my mom’s large extended family was there. Bryce comes from a small family, and besides his parents and brother, they don’t really get together that often. This was a very new, very loud, experience for him. All my aunties hugged him, maybe even snuck a kiss 😉 Bryce had to work of course, but he was able to leave work early and meet us at the house for supper. We had been celebrating all day and I was rather tipsy when he arrived. And this thought had been creeping into my head for the past couple of weeks and I had to keep reminding myself not to say anything while I was drunk. And then I got drunk. So when we went to bed, I kept telling myself ‘don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it’. But I couldn’t help myself and said “I love you”. He replied back, “I love you too.” I asked him how long he’s felt that way and he says, “Awhile, but the man can’t say it first.” *eyeroll*

Now, because we were all staying at my aunt’s house, every available bed was taken. They had set us up in the basement next to a bedroom wall and had made some curtain walls for us. Well, partial walls. The one side was only about half covered. Luckily, I’m sure everyone else had gone to bed already, so no one would come strolling by. However, the “bed” they had us on was a rather uncomfortable futon. An uncomfortable, squeaky futon. An uncomfortable, squeaky futon that moved and got louder with motion. So, of course we had sex on it. Twice.

A couple of weeks later, my uncle texted me and invited us out to their cabin for a fish fry. He and Bryce really hit it off and I’m pretty sure my family likes him better than me now. Oh well, at least I still get invited too haha

The Man From Chamberlain, Part 3

On to date number 4! He invited me over for supper for our next date. I arrived about 630/7 in the evening. He works until 6 and it’s about an hour from my apartment in Regina to his house in Chamberlain. It was pretty easy to find. If you’ve ever driven past Chamberlain, you know how small it is, and you also know about the Twisted Sister’s.  Everyone knows where Twisted Sister’s is! They are a little roadside ice cream/burger shop, and the man from Chamberlain lives within spitting distance. (And in two years of living there, had never been there for ice cream! I know, crazy.)

He told me he’s not a very good cook, but he put together a pretty decent stirfry for us. I think we maybe watched a movie after supper, I don’t really remember. It was either a movie or some educational TV shows. He really enjoys Discovery, History, National Geographic, PBS…he likes comedies too, but when it comes to tv shows, he is most often watching something educational. I guess we probably won’t be watching any Real Housewives together.

I don’t know what his thought process was exactly, but he was obviously thinking/hoping that I was going to stay over. Especially since I didn’t start stretching and giving him the “time to hit the ol dusty trail” line. He looked at me and asked if I was ready for bed. Uh yeah, I was ready like 10 days before yesterday!

He’s a great kisser, I really enjoy his lips on mine. As far as the sex goes, I don’t have a super exciting story for you. He had gone a looooot longer without sex than I had. It was nice. That probably doesn’t sound like a good word to use when describing sex, but it was. It was nice. And spending the night together was nice too. He’s a cuddler, and I didn’t mind that about him at all. In the morning, his alarm went off around 5 and I got up at the same time. He said I could stay and sleep, but I had to get home to Walter, so I left at the same time.

Over the next few weeks, we managed to see each other once or twice a week. I liked him, but it felt like things were moving slower than they would have if we had regular schedules and lived in the same place. We texted every day though. And actually, the slow moving was fine by me. I’m kind of a slow mover when it comes to romantic relationships and I only do things when I’m ready to.

And then at the end of March, I went to Cuba for a week…

The Man From Chamberlain, Part 2

Ok you vultures, here’s part deux!

Our second date quickly followed the first. No real surprise since before we’d even gone on our first date and I told him about my upcoming trip to Cuba, he said maybe we could take a trip together sometime. I laughed and told him let’s wait and see how our first date goes before we run away together. Every time I saw him, he talked about things we could do in the future. I didn’t really think too hard about it, but definitely noticed how he brought it up with ease.

So for date number 2, we went to the movies. It’s worth mentioning that he paid for date one, and date 2 (you know how I like that). I don’t really like going to the movies, but when it’s a quiet night, I can get down with that. The theatre was pretty empty, but there was a woman who had brought her grandchildren and they were giving her just enough sass for us to be laughing at them. We went to see Jumanji 2 (Better than I expected and we laughed a lot). Oh, and it was in one of the theatres with the big chairs and foot rests, so I enjoyed that as well. I took my boots off and curled right up in that chair! After the movie we stopped at a pub near my place for a late supper where we flirted and got to know each other some more. He’s a small town, redneck, rig-pig, with a really big “old man” streak. And nothing about him was putting me off. Highly unusual. When he pulled up to my apartment, I thanked him for a great evening and asked if we can kiss good night this time. Obviously he said yes, and it was good. And then I went inside. Alone.

If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile, you know that waiting for sex isn’t exactly a strong suit of mine. I’m all about the casual. Except when I like/kinda like someone. Then I wait. It’s not even a conscious decision, it’s just a natural reaction. But my patience only goes so far.

For our third date, I invited him over for supper at my apartment. My plan was to give him ample opportunities to make a move. I was ready to give myself to him, mind AND body. Just kidding! I’m not that corny. I wanted to get fucked. But I also didn’t want to make the first move, so I left it up to him. There was just one medium-sized, black and white, furry cockblock  that I had to worry about. My dog, Walter. He immediately loooooved the man from Chamberlain and was all up on him. He was making way more moves than I was! Thankfully he’s a dog lover and has one of his own, so having Walter all over him did not faze him in the least. So, we had supper, watched a movie, cuddled the dog, and then he kissed me and went home. Without putting his P anywhere near my V. But, after getting to know him over the week and a half or so before this, it was not the surprising. He doesn’t have a lot of game, he’s a gentleman, and sex isn’t his main agenda. Add that to pros like, he’s younger than me, financially responsible, and owns real estate. My 36 year old self was getting turned on just thinking about all that stability. All I needed now was a glimpse at his retirement plan….

The Man From Chamberlain, Part 1

So I’ve been trying this new dating app called Bumble. It’s like Tinder, except when you match with someone, only the woman can message first and she only has 24 hours to do so and then the man has another 24 hours to respond. If the message is not sent or responded to, the match expires. My initial foray into Bumbling was pretty similar to every other dating app and didn’t seem that promising for finding anything or anyone special. Until I matched with the man from Chamberlain. He seemed pretty nice and normal and didn’t say anything gross or inappropriate to me, so I gave him my number. Our initial conversation happened on a weekend while I was on a little road trip with a friend to a small town to visit some other friends. Chamberlain seemed even better after my friend drunkenly swiped right and matched with all the local Tinder users. On my Tinder. One of them (an unattractive man in his 50s) even tracked me down on facebook after I didn’t respond to his messages and tried to engage me there. I engaged in blocking him.

Anyways, Chamberlain and I set up a date for the next night. But, after you throw up in a sink and then have to pull over on the side of the highway to puke up honeydew and water because your body is still mad at you for filling it with vodka, tequila, and special candies, plans change. I chose to lay perfectly still for hours and hours instead of going on a date. It was the right choice. But the night after, that night was a go.

He took me to Red Lobster because he was watching tv and it was lobster days or something. It had been awhile since I’d gone on a proper date, so it was pretty nice to have someone come and pick me up and take me out for supper. We had pretty good conversation, he made me laugh and asked me lots of questions. His truck doesn’t have command start and takes a long time to warm up. It was February and pretty cold outside. It wasn’t exactly environmentally friendly, but he left it running the entire time we were inside so that I wouldn’t be cold when we left. He drove me home and was already talking about things we could do on our next date and future dates. I think my responses were something like, mmhmm, yeah sure, sounds good. There was no kiss on the first date, but there was something about him, and so I did agree to see him again.

The Ontario Hammer

This is a story I never got around to telling you from sometime last year. It was the same time as this guy. The same week actually. I had matched with this cutie on Tinder and we went back and forth casually and then one day he was gone. Whatever, it happens. But a few days later, I received a facebook messenger request from an unfamiliar name. I take a look and it’s Tinder boy. “So you stalked me all the way to fb, hey?” “haha Yep”.

This is an instance where stalking/tracking someone down on social media is acceptable. Because we had several conversations and I had expressed interest and hadn’t unmatched him, I didn’t find it out of line for him to find me there. He told me he had recently broken up with his girlfriend and her friends had told her about his profile and drama ensued. So he deleted it altogether. Has someone ever tracked you down on social media after you rejected them on another platform? Last month one of my friend’s was drunk swiping my Tinder so I ended up with some…let’s call them interesting…matches. One older man messaged me. I think I responded with a drunk hello and that was it. He continued to message me the next day, even with no other responses. And the day after. When I still didn’t respond, he decided to track me down on FB and send me some messages there. Even after I didn’t accept his message request, the messages just kept coming. I ended up blocking him.

So back to my original story. He was young, 24 or 25, a PLT, and worked on a contract crew doing work for the company I work for. Obviously the first thing to come to my mind was that we should have a pole climbing competition 😉 We chatted on messenger a few times, and each time he tried to charm his way over to my apartment. The only reason I didn’t give in right away was my schedule. I wasn’t really playing hard to get.

The night that I did let him come over, I realized as he was on his way that I hadn’t even properly creeped his FB profile! Fucking amateur hour over here! We had two mutual friends. Another PLT and one of my girlfriends. Obviously I messaged her to find out how she knew him exactly. It turns out she met him a few years ago on a night that we were out together. It’s possible I even met him that night. I know my friends pretty well, and I would have been surprised if she hadn’t slept with him. You can go ahead and assume I wasn’t surprised after talking to her. It didn’t bother me #eskimosisters. Plus, he was already on his way. What was I supposed to do? NOT have sex?

This guy was fun to fuck. He was way into giving and receiving ALL the rim jobs. At first he asked me to put a finger in, but I have long gel nails, and, well, it wouldn’t be a good situation for anyone to have those poking around. And they’re already such a bitch to clean underneath without worrying about doing it after my finger has been in someone’s asshole. Maybe I’ll do it sometime though, just in the hopes that I’ll lose a nail…

As I said, he was also generous with his own mouth and I enjoyed his thoroughness. And once we started fucking…holy jesus. Kid could hammer! If I’d been up against the wall, I would have been through the wall. I think he moved back to Ontario shortly after we hooked up for a job offer. I hope he’s putting that hammer to good use and rupturing all the eastern cervixes.

The Meathead

Hello and Happy New Year!

The last 6 months or so of 2017 were a little slow for me, sexually speaking. I just wasn’t speaking to or meeting anyone that I wanted to connect with on any level. I had deleted all my dating apps and most of the “black book” numbers in my phone. I’ll write more on what was going on in my life during the last half of the year later. And no, I didn’t spend it masturbating. Well, not ALL of it anyways.

Towards the end of the year, I joined Pof, Bumble, and Tinder. I decided it was time to start exploring again, and right before the new year, there were a couple of men who peaked my interest. I have met one so far and he is the subject of this post. The Meathead.

He messaged me on Pof asking if I was looking for discreet fun. For anyone who doesn’t know, “discreet fun” is code for married. Of course I played dumb though and asked why it would need to be discreet. He was up front about it and told me about his relationship and how it’s missing something. I’ll give you a second to try and guess what that was.

Men in relationships aren’t something I look for, but as far as casual sex goes, it’s relatively simple (And it had been about 6 months since I’d had sex). You know it’s not going anywhere which makes it easy to keep things casual and just enjoy the sex. Hopefully. He obviously did not have a picture on his profile so I gave him my number to send me one and told him I couldn’t really say if I was interested or not when I didn’t even know if I found him attractive. He sent one and he’s definitely not someone I would normally go for. Total meathead, all neck, all shoulders, basically a bull in man form, and all his pictures were gym selfies. But he was cute in a steroid-y kind of way.

When I asked what exactly was missing from his sex life, he said passion. The more we talked, the more I became convinced what he meant by “passion” was actually intimacy. He wasn’t looking for a bunch of partners, he just wanted one that he could have a physical relationship with. He told me how he loved to kiss and go down. He loved to please. Several times he told me how he loves eating pussy and how much I was going to like it and I’d never want him to leave and I’d want him to be mine. Ok, great. Sounds like it could be fun as long as he doesn’t show up and try to make love to me. Buuut…I had a small fear that’s exactly what he was going to do.

I set up a dickpointment for one morning this past week and he came over before work. He was better looking in person, he had a purty mouth. Now, body hair doesn’t bother me too much, I enjoy a little hair on my men. But this was not a little hair. His winter coat had come in nicely and was actually more of a snowsuit. Sort of how I imagine a bear’s coat comes in just before winter hibernation. But, he was in my apartment now so might as well see what he’s got for skills.

Let’s start with the kissing. It was nice, but…short? For a man who claimed he wanted passion, all of his kisses were soft and kind of delicate and only for a couple of seconds. I soon realized this was because he is a hardcore mouth breather and if his mouth was on mine for too long, he probably would have just passed out. And then I’d be laying there with a winterized bear on top of me.

He skipped over most of my body, including my breasts. Weird, because I have a pretty sweet rack. But, just a quick hello and it was down to the honey pot. I’m going to guess my high moisture levels had more to do with the recent drought and less to do with his skills. Men, read this carefully. Do not claim to love eating pussy and then spend 3 minutes or less doing it before asking if she’s going to cum. If she hasn’t verbally told you it’s happening or she has stopped moved and appeared to have passed out from pleasure, keep going. (He did this a couple of times, so he WAS trying.) But if this isn’t you, you haven’t been there long enough.

On to the fucking. It was ok. Except remember the mouth breathing? Imagine a bear on top of you, tryng to gaze into your eyes, and breathing onto your face as if it had just run an Olympic sprint. His breath is how hurricanes start. The silver lining was that his breath did not stink. Small win. The arthritis was in my knees so we stuck with him on top, which was fine once I got him to move around a little more so it wasn’t just boring old missionary with a couple sweet little kisses.  Like most people, I turn the temperature down when I go to bed, maybe even lower than most and keep it pretty cool. Even so, the meathead’s sweater was keeping him pretty warm. And because he didn’t want to cum until he absolutely had to, he kept moving. Which made him sweaty. Which meant I had a hot breath hurricane complete with his head sweat dripping all over me. And every time I touched him, I was touching sweaty fur. I wouldn’t have minded so much if I wasn’t started to find him less attractive. He kept asking questions too. Stupid questions like, So are you going to let me come over again? Am I supposed to say no while he’s inside me? I told him to shut up and stop talking instead. It was around this time I told him to stop and lay down so I could go down on him. When he rolled off me, my body was glistening with his sweat. He had a decent dick though.

There’s not much more after that. It was getting time for him to get to work so we had more sex. He laid beside me in the bed for a bit and chatted about our previous conversations and how he thinks I misunderstood something. He had kept asking the same question in the same way and I had finally been like, dude, yes you can come over, I’ve already said that, stop asking. I’ll let you know if something changes. He wanted to clarify that and I said I didn’t care and we didn’t need to talk about it. He said ok and then got up and headed to work. I wanted to go back to sleep, but was left with the decision, Do I lay in the wet spot or the sweat spot? I chose to change my sheets.

I don’t think I’m going to be what he’s looking for and he’s definitely not what I’m looking for. He did text me later that day, but my responses were pretty brief and I thankfully haven’t heard from him since.

Advice by Amy: Pretty Unapproachable

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Dear Amy,

Is it possible that being attractive is more of a detriment than an asset?

So not to toot my own horn but I’ve been told that I’m attractive, gorgeous etc. I’m also outgoing, independent and a genuine person that just wants to be happy with a man that treats her well. I don’t even like overly attractive guys, they are too high maintenance! Having that said, I also always have to be the one that makes a move on a guy, or else it just never happens.

I have a friend from high school, we got drunk one night and I told him I used to have a huge crush on him. His response totally blew my mind. He said he also liked me and that he just thought I was “out of his league”. FYI, I lost all interest when he dated my friend back in the day, I don’t like him that way anymore. His response made me think of all the guys I liked, and how I always had to be the one doing the “chasing”, at least until they got the point.. Like “Hey, I like you, I would love to date you and do things to you” you know?!

I get approached by guys, don’t get me wrong, but it’s always the douchebag that really is aiming high if you know what I mean. It’s never the nice guy, or the smart guy, or at least the rich guy. It’s the asshole that tries to get with me. The one that just wants to hook up. Did I mention I’m not the hook up type?

This problem might seem like not a bad problem to have to some people but think about it, if you’re always the one doing the work… If you are deemed unapproachable based on your looks… then where is the fun in that? It doesn’t help that I’m a romantic at heart but I’ve seen it with other girls, they get swept off their feet and here I am, pining over the guys I like.

Signed,
Pretty Unapproachable

Dear Pretty Unapproachable,

When I was going to university and at home for a visit, I ran into one of the guys I graduated with. He told me about this girl in one of his classes, and he called her his “attainable girl”. I don’t know if he had even talked to her at this point, but his labeling of her was based solely on her looks. Pretty, but not too pretty. She was within the imaginary parameters of what he thought a guy like him could have. And he was average. So that’s where he set his sights.

It sounds like the kind of men you like are generally intimidated by you. And that’s it’s not just your looks that do it. In the instance with your friend from high school. You call him a friend, so obviously he knows you as a person and not just some hottie he saw in the hallways every day. So he knows that you’re an independent, outgoing, and genuine person. And that combination with your looks is probably what he thought put you out of his league. Don’t change. I know it’s frustrating to not get the things you want right now, or to have to always be the one to put in so much work for so little reward. But someone who considers you out of their league and makes a move anyways is exactly the kind of person you want to be with. That person has ambition and confidence. However, depending on where you look, you’re not going to find a bunch of men like this. They aren’t exactly a dime a dozen at the clubs on the weekend, you know?

As far as the men who do approach you goes: Confident men will approach any woman they are attracted to, regardless of how hot the rest of us think she is or isn’t. Not because they think every woman is a sure thing for them, but because they know it’s a definite no if they don’t at least take the shot. Confident men get nervous and intimidated too, but they say hi to you anyways and hope you smile and say hi back. Arrogant men will disregard any woman who doesn’t meet their physical standards and expect those they “choose” will fall at their feet. And most of their attraction to you will be based on other people’s perception of how “hot” their arm candy is.

Unfortunately, I don’t have an easy answer for you. If the type of man you’re looking for is the one who needs a little encouragement, you’re going to have to give it to him. The average nice guy probably isn’t going to come up and say hi if you haven’t at least already made eye contact and given him a smile. Or said hi first. When I take my dog to the dog park, he ignores a lot of the other dogs. But when he meets one he likes, he’s like, “hey, did you see me? No?”, then jumps up and humps it until it turns around and chases him in circles and he runs around, tongue hanging out, so happy. Ok, so not the perfect analogy, but you get what I mean! You may have to be the one to break the ice most of the time, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for a guy who expects you to take the lead all the time. You can either keep on keeping on the way you have been, or you can make some adjustments to your dating life to try and encourage someone to pursue you. Try online dating with private pictures. You’ll have to sift through some profiles and put some time into conversations, but you could meet someone great. Plus, with online dating, it’s a lot less intimidating for men to pursue a beautiful woman. Ask friends to set you up. Smile at the cute guy at the coffee shop. Go for lunch at the cafeteria at the same time as that cute, nerdy guy in your office. Sit next to the sexy, smart guy in your Wednesday class and ask him how his assignment is coming along. Put the vibes out and see what comes back.

Romance doesn’t always come to us the way we expect. You may not meet a guy who is going to sweep you off your feet with a great line or a huge romantic gesture in order to get your attention. But maybe you’ll meet a guy who feels lucky that a woman like yourself was interested in a guy like him and he’ll take time every day that you’re together showing you how much he values you and appreciates that moment you first said hi.

(Also, you said this in your letter: “I don’t even like overly attractive guys, they are too high maintenance!” What makes you think that men think any differently when they look at you? Hi pot, this is kettle. Stereotypically speaking, they’re probably thinking that not only are you out of their league, but that even if you were interested in them, you’re probably high maintenance.)

Amy

Numbers

numbers
How often do you get asked about your “number”? You know, the number of penises or vaginas that have met with your corresponding parts. I have found myself being asked this question a few times over the years, and as recently as the last couple of weeks. I tried to figure it out a year or so ago. I made a list which had entries like: Mike, Jon, Keith, guy I met at the pump that night, guy who was on acid while I was on E at Sasquatch, etc. After I wrote down what I thought was all of them, I counted them up and was at a number that I thought was rather reasonable given my age and dating lifestyle. I was a virgin until I was 22. No, 23. Wait. 22. Anyways. I waited. Not for anything specific. I wasn’t waiting for “the one”. I was just waiting. I like to do things in my own time and that was the time for me. His name was Mike and he slept on a futon. It wasn’t good, and it wasn’t a big deal. It just…was. I didn’t even tell any of my friends about it at the time because that was how boring and matter-of-fact it was. Well, that’s done. *brushes off hands*

So, back to the numbers. I was at a number that some of you would probably consider high, but I’ve been having sex for 12 years with no long-term relationship in there. And I like to drink, and I like to have sex. It’s a winning combination. So I thought it was rather reasonable. But then I started remembering more. I’d be driving in my car and another one would pop into my head. And then another. And another. Months down the road, I was still remembering men I’d forgotten. (Sorry fellas! Be more memorable next time!) So I decided to stop keeping track.

I started talking to this guy on Tinder. It started out well enough. We exchanged phone numbers and started texting. He’s younger than me, 27, and he lives a couple of hours away. He wanted to play 20 questions and asked if there was anything off limits. I told him he could ask me anything he wanted and if I felt like it was too far, I just wouldn’t answer it. The first half of the questions were basics…favourite food, where we want to travel, etc. And then of course there was the measurements question. What is it with you men and your need to know exactly how big a woman’s breasts are? Aren’t you supposed to be visual creatures? I have pictures on my profile. But that’s not good enough. And the reason is always the same…”I’m a numbers guy.” Whatever. If I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you. Especially since I know you don’t really understand how bra sizing works and the relation between cup and band size, and anything over a 36C is going to blow your mind.

So then the questions lead into more sex talk, favourite position, weirdest place you’ve done it, and then anal. That’s where I stopped him. Not because I’m uncomfortable talking about it, but because sex is one of those topics that I don’t think should go too far when you’ve only just started to get to know each other. A good number of men will push these limits. He was fine with stopping though, and went back to regular questions.

Some days later, I found out he was married for a couple of years, they split a couple of years ago, and he hasn’t had sex since they split. First I asked him why they divorced and he said it was because she thought it was ok to sleep with other men. I told him I was sorry that happened to him and asked if she gave him a reason for why she cheated. His response was, “I dunno. Cause she’s a whore?” I guess he’s still a little bitter about it. And then I asked him why he hasn’t had sex in so long. He hasn’t met anyone special and he’s never had a one-night stand. He asked if I’ve ever had one. Uhh….yes. Have I had a lot of them? …..uhh…. I told him I’ve had a couple. Ok, you can all stop laughing now. Next, he asked how many people I’ve slept with. I laughed and said that was none of his business, and asked if a big number would bother him. He said it depends how big the number is. I asked why it would bother him. He said he didn’t know, and that maybe it wouldn’t. I said it wouldn’t matter to me, 1 or 100, I don’t care. To which he replied that he’s only had sex with 3 women, so…

When he didn’t text me the next day, I thought I had scared him off, but he messaged the day after that and regularly for the next few days after. Unfortunately, he’s terribly boring over text and can’t seem to carry on a conversation beyond the few topics we’d already discussed. Meh. I already had the feeling that this guy has some stuff to work through. And like so many other men on Tinder and Pof, he wanted to talk about sex and push the boundaries of what is acceptable conversation, but if I have a colourful, bountiful past, that could be a problem? Come on! I haven’t been guarding my sexuality all this time just waiting for you to come along like some kind of goddamn Christopher Columbus!

I feel like numbers aren’t something that we (especially women) should have to hide, and yet, we all know that if you’ve surpassed single digits in the number of partners you’ve had, you’re going to either lie about the number, or just not admit to a number at all. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, whether it’s 1 or 5 or 35, or 100, or if you’re not even on the board yet. Shout it loud and proud, if you want! But be prepared for the judgement. I would never want anyone who would judge me on it anyways, but I also don’t want to deal with having it thrown in my face like it’s a bad thing. And so my number will remain a mystery. I’m going to keep living like an Agatha Christie novel and loving who I want to love with my honey pot, and you should too.

Advice by Amy: Impatient

Dear Amy,
I started doing the online dating thing a few months ago and recently “met” a really great guy. After a few conversations, we exchanged phone numbers. We’ve been texting and it’s been going really good. We have great conversations, but just over text. We haven’t talked on the phone. He has told me several times that he is interested in finding a relationship. We talk about how our days were, and we tell each other our hopes and plans for the future. We’ve even done a bit of sexting and exchanged some sexy (but not naked) pictures. Except, we haven’t met yet. Every time we make plans, he backs out at the last minute. It’s been about a month since we started texting and I’m starting to wonder if he’s actually serious about wanting a relationship. And honestly, I now kinda feel a little embarrassed about the pictures I sent him. I really like him, but how can I tell if he’s serious?

Signed,

Impatient

 

Dear Impatient,

Isn’t waiting for a date the worst?! I have been in this same situation and I know exactly how frustrating it can be. It’s surprising and weird when you feel a connection with someone you’ve never met, but not unusual.

I think you already know the answer to your question. If he keeps backing out, and has let a month go by without meeting you, his interest is low. He may even believe that he wants a relationship, but something is holding him back, and it’s not up to you to try and fix him, or convince him. Whether it’s intentional or not, he’s leading you on. He can make all the excuses he wants, and you’ve probably accepted his excuses and made some of your own based on things he’s told you about himself. But these are just that: excuses. Even if you did meet now, what about his behaviour makes you think that you would be a priority in this man’s life?

If you’re still texting this man, you need to stop. Right now. You need to be free to focus on finding a man who wants a relationship and will put in the effort to have one with you. Now, you will likely have that little glimmer of hope in the back of your mind at this point that saying this to him will kick his ass into gear. It won’t. And his response to you will be extremely unsatisfying. He will likely give you a one word answer, or he won’t say anything at all. Both will drive you crazy and you’ll want to send him more messages. Do not do this. This is the perfect time to decide what you want and don’t want, and what you are willing to put up with in your dating life. Have a cry, let it go, and delete his number.

Online dating can be a little bit like dating on a reality TV show like The Bachelor. It’s dating in a fantasy world called Your Head. If you’ve met online dates in the past, you already know that your attraction to someone can change in an instant when you spend some one on one time with them. Take this experience and make it a personal rule to not go longer than 1-2 weeks without meeting someone you’ve met online. This should also apply to anyone you meet at the grocery store or the bar or wherever. If a date hasn’t happened within that time, move on. 2 weeks MAXIMUM. Anything beyond that and you’re allowing yourself to get invested in an illusion.

As for sending sexy pictures, just be mindful of what you send, and never feel that you HAVE to send pictures to keep a man’s interest. Pictures should be on your terms only. And only send pictures that you feel comfortable posing for, make you feel sexy, and wouldn’t die if someone else saw them. It sounds like the pictures you sent were tasteful, so don’t be embarrassed. You can ask him to delete them, and hope that he does. And if he doesn’t, well, then he’s the one holding onto the fantasy.