Since my last post about my adoption, I haven’t really done much. I did a bunch of online searching for a few days and then sort of stopped because I didn’t feel ready to pursue it more than I had at that time. I found some good leads on my birth mother and felt confident that when I was ready, I would be able to reach out and connect.
Her name isn’t a very common one, which is good. That makes it a bit easier to narrow down the search results. Unfortunately, I could not find her on any social media sites. But, after some googling, I found an obituary of her mother where she and all her siblings and their children were listed. And some of them are on facebook. And I did find a woman matching her name on LinkdIn living in BC. From what my adoption records indicated, my birth mother was taking some sort of cooking course at the time of her pregnancy with me, and this woman is linked to a restaurant and catering business. Sounds promising. But that’s about where I left it.
In the last few weeks, I decided to look into it some more and actually sent this woman a message, as well as a message to one of her sisters. I did not indicate in either message who I was, just that I was looking for a woman with this name. I told the sister I was an old friend. Neither have responded. So now I’m considering my next move.
And while I’ve been considering what I want to do next, I received a call from the post adoption registry with news of my birth father. Well, not exactly news. We haven’t found him yet. But the woman who was searching for me called me to fill me in on what she had found so far. She is a lovely woman and wanted to speak with me on the phone as a personal touch instead of just firing me off a generalized letter. She did some digging into the name that was listed on my birth record by my birth mother. She didn’t find anyone matching exactly the name given with the spelling, but did find some others with a slightly different spelling of the last name. The first man she contacted spoke to her on the phone and was very nice about it, wasn’t defensive about anything, just told her he wasn’t the one. He had been married since 1976 (5 years before I was born) and had never stepped out of his marriage and did not recognize the name of my birth mother. Completely believable given that the information my birth mother had provided was that my birth father was about 25 when they met. He said he had a nephew with a similar name, but he would have been too young. There was another man she found who lived in New York, but none of his information matched. Another she found had died before I was conceived. Every path she went down hit a dead end. After a search has been conducted and no matches found, or the birth parent is found to be deceased, the name can be released. So yesterday I received a letter in the mail giving me his name. The first place I looked was Facebook, and a man in Saskatchewan with a slightly different spelling than the one listed was the first to pop up. I don’t think he’s the same one that was already reached out to, so I might send him a message. I studied his pictures to see if I recognize any of myself in him, but nothing obvious stands out.
So, at this moment, I’m deciding what my next moves are going to be on both birth parents. I feel a lot of anxiety over this. Both about finding them, and about not finding them. If I never connect with either of them, that would be easiest. Because if I do, there are so many possible outcomes, both good and bad. I prefer optimism, so I’m going to keep searching and roll the dice with their reactions.