Advice by Amy: Pretty Unapproachable

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Dear Amy,

Is it possible that being attractive is more of a detriment than an asset?

So not to toot my own horn but I’ve been told that I’m attractive, gorgeous etc. I’m also outgoing, independent and a genuine person that just wants to be happy with a man that treats her well. I don’t even like overly attractive guys, they are too high maintenance! Having that said, I also always have to be the one that makes a move on a guy, or else it just never happens.

I have a friend from high school, we got drunk one night and I told him I used to have a huge crush on him. His response totally blew my mind. He said he also liked me and that he just thought I was “out of his league”. FYI, I lost all interest when he dated my friend back in the day, I don’t like him that way anymore. His response made me think of all the guys I liked, and how I always had to be the one doing the “chasing”, at least until they got the point.. Like “Hey, I like you, I would love to date you and do things to you” you know?!

I get approached by guys, don’t get me wrong, but it’s always the douchebag that really is aiming high if you know what I mean. It’s never the nice guy, or the smart guy, or at least the rich guy. It’s the asshole that tries to get with me. The one that just wants to hook up. Did I mention I’m not the hook up type?

This problem might seem like not a bad problem to have to some people but think about it, if you’re always the one doing the work… If you are deemed unapproachable based on your looks… then where is the fun in that? It doesn’t help that I’m a romantic at heart but I’ve seen it with other girls, they get swept off their feet and here I am, pining over the guys I like.

Signed,
Pretty Unapproachable

Dear Pretty Unapproachable,

When I was going to university and at home for a visit, I ran into one of the guys I graduated with. He told me about this girl in one of his classes, and he called her his “attainable girl”. I don’t know if he had even talked to her at this point, but his labeling of her was based solely on her looks. Pretty, but not too pretty. She was within the imaginary parameters of what he thought a guy like him could have. And he was average. So that’s where he set his sights.

It sounds like the kind of men you like are generally intimidated by you. And that’s it’s not just your looks that do it. In the instance with your friend from high school. You call him a friend, so obviously he knows you as a person and not just some hottie he saw in the hallways every day. So he knows that you’re an independent, outgoing, and genuine person. And that combination with your looks is probably what he thought put you out of his league. Don’t change. I know it’s frustrating to not get the things you want right now, or to have to always be the one to put in so much work for so little reward. But someone who considers you out of their league and makes a move anyways is exactly the kind of person you want to be with. That person has ambition and confidence. However, depending on where you look, you’re not going to find a bunch of men like this. They aren’t exactly a dime a dozen at the clubs on the weekend, you know?

As far as the men who do approach you goes: Confident men will approach any woman they are attracted to, regardless of how hot the rest of us think she is or isn’t. Not because they think every woman is a sure thing for them, but because they know it’s a definite no if they don’t at least take the shot. Confident men get nervous and intimidated too, but they say hi to you anyways and hope you smile and say hi back. Arrogant men will disregard any woman who doesn’t meet their physical standards and expect those they “choose” will fall at their feet. And most of their attraction to you will be based on other people’s perception of how “hot” their arm candy is.

Unfortunately, I don’t have an easy answer for you. If the type of man you’re looking for is the one who needs a little encouragement, you’re going to have to give it to him. The average nice guy probably isn’t going to come up and say hi if you haven’t at least already made eye contact and given him a smile. Or said hi first. When I take my dog to the dog park, he ignores a lot of the other dogs. But when he meets one he likes, he’s like, “hey, did you see me? No?”, then jumps up and humps it until it turns around and chases him in circles and he runs around, tongue hanging out, so happy. Ok, so not the perfect analogy, but you get what I mean! You may have to be the one to break the ice most of the time, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for a guy who expects you to take the lead all the time. You can either keep on keeping on the way you have been, or you can make some adjustments to your dating life to try and encourage someone to pursue you. Try online dating with private pictures. You’ll have to sift through some profiles and put some time into conversations, but you could meet someone great. Plus, with online dating, it’s a lot less intimidating for men to pursue a beautiful woman. Ask friends to set you up. Smile at the cute guy at the coffee shop. Go for lunch at the cafeteria at the same time as that cute, nerdy guy in your office. Sit next to the sexy, smart guy in your Wednesday class and ask him how his assignment is coming along. Put the vibes out and see what comes back.

Romance doesn’t always come to us the way we expect. You may not meet a guy who is going to sweep you off your feet with a great line or a huge romantic gesture in order to get your attention. But maybe you’ll meet a guy who feels lucky that a woman like yourself was interested in a guy like him and he’ll take time every day that you’re together showing you how much he values you and appreciates that moment you first said hi.

(Also, you said this in your letter: “I don’t even like overly attractive guys, they are too high maintenance!” What makes you think that men think any differently when they look at you? Hi pot, this is kettle. Stereotypically speaking, they’re probably thinking that not only are you out of their league, but that even if you were interested in them, you’re probably high maintenance.)

Amy