Advice by Amy: Impatient

Dear Amy,
I started doing the online dating thing a few months ago and recently “met” a really great guy. After a few conversations, we exchanged phone numbers. We’ve been texting and it’s been going really good. We have great conversations, but just over text. We haven’t talked on the phone. He has told me several times that he is interested in finding a relationship. We talk about how our days were, and we tell each other our hopes and plans for the future. We’ve even done a bit of sexting and exchanged some sexy (but not naked) pictures. Except, we haven’t met yet. Every time we make plans, he backs out at the last minute. It’s been about a month since we started texting and I’m starting to wonder if he’s actually serious about wanting a relationship. And honestly, I now kinda feel a little embarrassed about the pictures I sent him. I really like him, but how can I tell if he’s serious?

Signed,

Impatient

 

Dear Impatient,

Isn’t waiting for a date the worst?! I have been in this same situation and I know exactly how frustrating it can be. It’s surprising and weird when you feel a connection with someone you’ve never met, but not unusual.

I think you already know the answer to your question. If he keeps backing out, and has let a month go by without meeting you, his interest is low. He may even believe that he wants a relationship, but something is holding him back, and it’s not up to you to try and fix him, or convince him. Whether it’s intentional or not, he’s leading you on. He can make all the excuses he wants, and you’ve probably accepted his excuses and made some of your own based on things he’s told you about himself. But these are just that: excuses. Even if you did meet now, what about his behaviour makes you think that you would be a priority in this man’s life?

If you’re still texting this man, you need to stop. Right now. You need to be free to focus on finding a man who wants a relationship and will put in the effort to have one with you. Now, you will likely have that little glimmer of hope in the back of your mind at this point that saying this to him will kick his ass into gear. It won’t. And his response to you will be extremely unsatisfying. He will likely give you a one word answer, or he won’t say anything at all. Both will drive you crazy and you’ll want to send him more messages. Do not do this. This is the perfect time to decide what you want and don’t want, and what you are willing to put up with in your dating life. Have a cry, let it go, and delete his number.

Online dating can be a little bit like dating on a reality TV show like The Bachelor. It’s dating in a fantasy world called Your Head. If you’ve met online dates in the past, you already know that your attraction to someone can change in an instant when you spend some one on one time with them. Take this experience and make it a personal rule to not go longer than 1-2 weeks without meeting someone you’ve met online. This should also apply to anyone you meet at the grocery store or the bar or wherever. If a date hasn’t happened within that time, move on. 2 weeks MAXIMUM. Anything beyond that and you’re allowing yourself to get invested in an illusion.

As for sending sexy pictures, just be mindful of what you send, and never feel that you HAVE to send pictures to keep a man’s interest. Pictures should be on your terms only. And only send pictures that you feel comfortable posing for, make you feel sexy, and wouldn’t die if someone else saw them. It sounds like the pictures you sent were tasteful, so don’t be embarrassed. You can ask him to delete them, and hope that he does. And if he doesn’t, well, then he’s the one holding onto the fantasy.

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