Numbers

numbers
How often do you get asked about your “number”? You know, the number of penises or vaginas that have met with your corresponding parts. I have found myself being asked this question a few times over the years, and as recently as the last couple of weeks. I tried to figure it out a year or so ago. I made a list which had entries like: Mike, Jon, Keith, guy I met at the pump that night, guy who was on acid while I was on E at Sasquatch, etc. After I wrote down what I thought was all of them, I counted them up and was at a number that I thought was rather reasonable given my age and dating lifestyle. I was a virgin until I was 22. No, 23. Wait. 22. Anyways. I waited. Not for anything specific. I wasn’t waiting for “the one”. I was just waiting. I like to do things in my own time and that was the time for me. His name was Mike and he slept on a futon. It wasn’t good, and it wasn’t a big deal. It just…was. I didn’t even tell any of my friends about it at the time because that was how boring and matter-of-fact it was. Well, that’s done. *brushes off hands*

So, back to the numbers. I was at a number that some of you would probably consider high, but I’ve been having sex for 12 years with no long-term relationship in there. And I like to drink, and I like to have sex. It’s a winning combination. So I thought it was rather reasonable. But then I started remembering more. I’d be driving in my car and another one would pop into my head. And then another. And another. Months down the road, I was still remembering men I’d forgotten. (Sorry fellas! Be more memorable next time!) So I decided to stop keeping track.

I started talking to this guy on Tinder. It started out well enough. We exchanged phone numbers and started texting. He’s younger than me, 27, and he lives a couple of hours away. He wanted to play 20 questions and asked if there was anything off limits. I told him he could ask me anything he wanted and if I felt like it was too far, I just wouldn’t answer it. The first half of the questions were basics…favourite food, where we want to travel, etc. And then of course there was the measurements question. What is it with you men and your need to know exactly how big a woman’s breasts are? Aren’t you supposed to be visual creatures? I have pictures on my profile. But that’s not good enough. And the reason is always the same…”I’m a numbers guy.” Whatever. If I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you. Especially since I know you don’t really understand how bra sizing works and the relation between cup and band size, and anything over a 36C is going to blow your mind.

So then the questions lead into more sex talk, favourite position, weirdest place you’ve done it, and then anal. That’s where I stopped him. Not because I’m uncomfortable talking about it, but because sex is one of those topics that I don’t think should go too far when you’ve only just started to get to know each other. A good number of men will push these limits. He was fine with stopping though, and went back to regular questions.

Some days later, I found out he was married for a couple of years, they split a couple of years ago, and he hasn’t had sex since they split. First I asked him why they divorced and he said it was because she thought it was ok to sleep with other men. I told him I was sorry that happened to him and asked if she gave him a reason for why she cheated. His response was, “I dunno. Cause she’s a whore?” I guess he’s still a little bitter about it. And then I asked him why he hasn’t had sex in so long. He hasn’t met anyone special and he’s never had a one-night stand. He asked if I’ve ever had one. Uhh….yes. Have I had a lot of them? …..uhh…. I told him I’ve had a couple. Ok, you can all stop laughing now. Next, he asked how many people I’ve slept with. I laughed and said that was none of his business, and asked if a big number would bother him. He said it depends how big the number is. I asked why it would bother him. He said he didn’t know, and that maybe it wouldn’t. I said it wouldn’t matter to me, 1 or 100, I don’t care. To which he replied that he’s only had sex with 3 women, so…

When he didn’t text me the next day, I thought I had scared him off, but he messaged the day after that and regularly for the next few days after. Unfortunately, he’s terribly boring over text and can’t seem to carry on a conversation beyond the few topics we’d already discussed. Meh. I already had the feeling that this guy has some stuff to work through. And like so many other men on Tinder and Pof, he wanted to talk about sex and push the boundaries of what is acceptable conversation, but if I have a colourful, bountiful past, that could be a problem? Come on! I haven’t been guarding my sexuality all this time just waiting for you to come along like some kind of goddamn Christopher Columbus!

I feel like numbers aren’t something that we (especially women) should have to hide, and yet, we all know that if you’ve surpassed single digits in the number of partners you’ve had, you’re going to either lie about the number, or just not admit to a number at all. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, whether it’s 1 or 5 or 35, or 100, or if you’re not even on the board yet. Shout it loud and proud, if you want! But be prepared for the judgement. I would never want anyone who would judge me on it anyways, but I also don’t want to deal with having it thrown in my face like it’s a bad thing. And so my number will remain a mystery. I’m going to keep living like an Agatha Christie novel and loving who I want to love with my honey pot, and you should too.

Advice by Amy: Impatient

Dear Amy,
I started doing the online dating thing a few months ago and recently “met” a really great guy. After a few conversations, we exchanged phone numbers. We’ve been texting and it’s been going really good. We have great conversations, but just over text. We haven’t talked on the phone. He has told me several times that he is interested in finding a relationship. We talk about how our days were, and we tell each other our hopes and plans for the future. We’ve even done a bit of sexting and exchanged some sexy (but not naked) pictures. Except, we haven’t met yet. Every time we make plans, he backs out at the last minute. It’s been about a month since we started texting and I’m starting to wonder if he’s actually serious about wanting a relationship. And honestly, I now kinda feel a little embarrassed about the pictures I sent him. I really like him, but how can I tell if he’s serious?

Signed,

Impatient

 

Dear Impatient,

Isn’t waiting for a date the worst?! I have been in this same situation and I know exactly how frustrating it can be. It’s surprising and weird when you feel a connection with someone you’ve never met, but not unusual.

I think you already know the answer to your question. If he keeps backing out, and has let a month go by without meeting you, his interest is low. He may even believe that he wants a relationship, but something is holding him back, and it’s not up to you to try and fix him, or convince him. Whether it’s intentional or not, he’s leading you on. He can make all the excuses he wants, and you’ve probably accepted his excuses and made some of your own based on things he’s told you about himself. But these are just that: excuses. Even if you did meet now, what about his behaviour makes you think that you would be a priority in this man’s life?

If you’re still texting this man, you need to stop. Right now. You need to be free to focus on finding a man who wants a relationship and will put in the effort to have one with you. Now, you will likely have that little glimmer of hope in the back of your mind at this point that saying this to him will kick his ass into gear. It won’t. And his response to you will be extremely unsatisfying. He will likely give you a one word answer, or he won’t say anything at all. Both will drive you crazy and you’ll want to send him more messages. Do not do this. This is the perfect time to decide what you want and don’t want, and what you are willing to put up with in your dating life. Have a cry, let it go, and delete his number.

Online dating can be a little bit like dating on a reality TV show like The Bachelor. It’s dating in a fantasy world called Your Head. If you’ve met online dates in the past, you already know that your attraction to someone can change in an instant when you spend some one on one time with them. Take this experience and make it a personal rule to not go longer than 1-2 weeks without meeting someone you’ve met online. This should also apply to anyone you meet at the grocery store or the bar or wherever. If a date hasn’t happened within that time, move on. 2 weeks MAXIMUM. Anything beyond that and you’re allowing yourself to get invested in an illusion.

As for sending sexy pictures, just be mindful of what you send, and never feel that you HAVE to send pictures to keep a man’s interest. Pictures should be on your terms only. And only send pictures that you feel comfortable posing for, make you feel sexy, and wouldn’t die if someone else saw them. It sounds like the pictures you sent were tasteful, so don’t be embarrassed. You can ask him to delete them, and hope that he does. And if he doesn’t, well, then he’s the one holding onto the fantasy.

New Advice Section

I have an opinion on almost everything. And if you have a problem you’re not sure how to handle, I’d love to offer my opinion to you. Problem with your significant other? Not sure how to proceed with the guy from Pof who won’t ask you out? Having trouble having an orgasm? Is your friend marrying the wrong person and you don’t know how to talk to him/her about it? Do you have a strange rash in a delicate spot? It can be anything, not necessary sex or dating related. Send me your situations and questions @ campbellamy@live.ca and I will feature them on my blog. You can remain anonymous.

Reruns

For the past few months, I have been getting requests for the pleasure of my company from several men from my past. If I were a hooker, I’d have a decent sized group of regulars. These are a few of the more interesting ones. The 20 year old kid messaged me this summer, asking me for a favour. You’re probably thinking you know exactly what kind of “favour” he’d be looking for, but you’re wrong. Sort of. He asked me if I knew of anyone I could set him up with.

“Amy I have a question”
“Hey kid, what is it?” (I don’t actually call him kid, but I won’t use his name.)
“Do u know any older women who would be interested in me? I have been trying so hard, but can’t find an older woman who likes. They think cuz of my age I’m automatically immature.”
“Interesting in you in what way? Are you wanting to date someone or just fool around? And how old are you looking for? My age or 40’s or…?”
“Just fool around. Anyone over 28.”
“Hmm I’m not sure. Most of my girlfriends are looking for relationships.”
“I’m open for a relationship, I just don’t see an older woman wanting to date a 21 year old.”
“I’ll keep an eye open for you.”
“Because ur no longer interested in me, correct?”

And there it is! He needed to check and see if there’s still a chance. I told him that I’m not interested in fooling around anymore, even though he’s cute and a good lay. What I didn’t tell him was that even if I had any friends who were interested in meeting a guy that young, I’m not sure any of them would be into the same things he is, sexually speaking. I mean, this is the same kid who wanted me to pee on him every single time we talked. He also wanted to throat fuck me until I puked and put a dildo up his ass. By all means, if you are a female over the age of 28 and into some kinky shit (which may include actual shit), let me know and I’ll hook you up.

Then there’s the Farmer. Every few months I get a message from him. Sometimes it’s to ask how I’m doing and what’s new. And sometimes it’s to ask me if I want to have a threesome. If I’m not into having another girl there, he has a buddy. The one who saw me naked when I spent the night in their hotel room. Or we have a conversation like this:

“Find a girlfriend yet? Lol”
“lol Not looking for one.”
“You should! You would like it!”
“No.”
“lol Why not?”
“Not interested”
“Have you tried it?”
“No, and I’m not going to.”
“lol Well that’s no fun!”
“Men are pretty fun. You should try them.”
“No, I’m good.”
Man, I bet his ex-wife is really beating herself up about letting this one get away.

Speaking of married men. Remember this guy? I haven’t seen or spoken to him for over 3 years, until he sent me a message on Pof about a month ago. He didn’t have a picture up, but after reading his profile, I was pretty sure I knew who it was. Our exchange went something like:

“Hi, I don’t know if you remember me, but we met awhile ago, and I was wondering if you’d like to meet again.”
“Hmm, you’ll have to tell me a bit about yourself first to see if I remember you.”
“I’m from Saskatoon, we met up a couple of times and had some fun.”
“You’ll have to be more specific.” hahaha
“I guess I’m not that memorable.”
“Were you married?” (His profile now says separated.)
“Yes.”
“Ok, I remember you.”
“Great! So would you want to meet up again? I would love to see you, I had a great time the last time.”
“No thanks. I’m not looking for anything casual.”
“Oh, ok. Well, if you change your mind…”
“Good luck.”

A week later, he messaged me again, and once again asked if I’d like to have some “fun” with him. I don’t know about you, but nowhere in my idea of fun is there included a dirty eyebrow wiggle that happens while a man is thrusting his dick inside me. Just imagine it for a moment. A guy looking down at you, obviously pretty please with himself, and wiggles his eyebrow at you. Like he’s giving you just what you want. It’s the sexual equivalent to the wink and a gun. Not sexy.

Ugh, why does my vagina have to be so magical?

And now there’s Houdini. I was sure I wrote about him previously, but I couldn’t find the post, so maybe I just thought about writing about him. We met on Pof and went on a date a couple of years ago. It was a great date! Seriously, I think we spent 6-7 hours together. We met at a pub in Cathedral for a couple of drinks and a bit to eat. Coincidentally, he took a “cab” to the pub because he didn’t want to drive after having some drinks and who was his cab driver? This guy! When he came into meet me, he was telling me about this guy who drove him and he just calls him whenever he needs a ride and this guy shows up and takes however much he wants to pay. I had used this guy years before that and turned out to be the same guy. And then of course there was that time more recently that I re-met this guy and, well, we know how that turned out. Anyways, back to our date. We got along very well, we found a lot to talk about. He’s handsome in a Sons of Anarchy kind of way, works in construction. I believe he had his own company at the time, had lived a crazy life. The kind of life where you’re not sure how someone turned out as well as they did. He left home/was kicked out when he was 14 or so. I don’t think he ever finished school, he just started working and travelling across Canada, picking up jobs as he went. So after the first pub, we went to another. It was pretty dead so we just had a drink or two and talked some more and then decided since neither of us wanted the night to end yet, we would go back to his place to watch a movie. I had just moved and didn’t even have furniture at my new place yet, so it had to be his house. I can’t even remember what movie we settled on, but I know it was bad. It had a lot of gratuitous female nudity and some animals that killed everyone after genetic mutation or something. A story as old as time. We did make out a bit, but I wouldn’t go any further with him. I called a cab to go home and he said he was hungry again and wanted to grab some food, so did I mind if he shared a ride with me part of the way. No problem. So here’s where it gets weird. We were in the north end, I live close to downtown. He gave me some money for the cab, and when we got to the lights on McCarthy and 9th, he said this is close enough for him, jumped out of the cab, and ran over to the Normanview Mall.

I literally never heard from him again. After I didn’t hear from him the next day, I texted him. No response. Maybe he didn’t get it. So I messaged him on Pof. No response, and a couple of days after that, his profile was gone. Uh, ok? That was weird.

Then a few weeks ago, I get a message from him on Pof. He’s back in Regina. He said hi and said he didn’t know if I remembered him, but we went out awhile ago and he’d love to go out with me again. I said that I did remember him, and that I remembered him disappearing and never hearing from him again. He apologized for that, said something about getting a last minute job up north that he left for right away, blah blah blah. I guess he must have forgot his phone when he left? But hey, I’m all about second chances, so I kept chatting with him. He apologized again and asked if I would like to go out with him. I said I was open to that and then gave him my number to contact me sometime. Three weeks went by. Three fucking weeks! And nothing. I mean, I shouldn’t be that surprised. It took this guy 2 years after our first date to ask for a second, so I guess waiting a few weeks for a text should be no big deal, right? I didn’t contact him again, but then just last night, he messaged me again.

“Just wanted to say hi, hope you’re doing well. I like the new pics, beautiful as always, Happy Halloween.”
“Hi, thanks.”
“I work a lot, but I’d like to see you sometime if you like.”
“I sent you my number, but you never used it…”
“No excuses there. I took too long and Pof deleted it. So if you’d like, here’s my number.”

I did end up texting him and we chatted for awhile. He wants to go out sometime this week. I’m considering it. Cause I’m all about third chances. Maybe I’ll make a date and then just…disappear.

UPDATE: We had plans to go out. I didn’t hear from him the day before our date was scheduled. I didn’t hear from him on the day our date was scheduled. I texted him the day before, but there was no response. The day AFTER our date was supposed to be, I received a text from him. He apologized for not being available and said he worked 18 hours that day. But that he’d still like to get together sometime soon. I said maybe if I had time on the weekend. I haven’t heard from him since, and I don’t care.