Scott. Scott happened in between my contact with Ryan. He was tall, handsome, 37, good job, funny, sweet, smart, interesting, charming, thoughtful. He travelled for work a lot though. He worked in the field of hazardous materials and had been all over Canada and the US to clean up various sites. He was in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina, he’d been to all kinds of accidents and there wasn’t much he hadn’t seen. He’s the guy that gets called when a site is too dangerous for anyone else to enter. He was in Alberta when we initially started talking, but Regina was his home base. We chatted almost every day. I wasn’t interested in talking to anyone else, I couldn’t wait for this man to have a break in his schedule so he could come home and we could meet.
Our conversations were rarely sexual, but they were flirty. He would ask me how my day was going, or message to say he was thinking about me. Then one day, we had this conversation….
S: You’re just the total package, hey?
A: Well, I don’t like to brag about it, but yeah, I’m a catch.
S: Well you’ve been caught, sweetheart!
A: It would appear so!
S: Far as I’m concerned, we’re a couple. So I tell everyone lol
A: haha You’re not really telling anyone that!
S: Nah, but I can’t wait until I can
A: Me too
S: I don’t mean to scare you, but I honestly think I’m starting to fall in love with you!
A: Really? How do you know?
S: lol I just feel it…hard to explain, I should have kept that to myself, sorry.
I don’t have all our texts anymore, so I’m going off the stuff I got screenshots of. I’m not exactly sure what was said next, but it was something along the lines of I was glad he told me and that I’m not going to say the same to him, but that he is someone I could see myself falling in love with and I do have feelings for him. He told me that was enough for him. And then:
A: I’m a…realistic romantic shall we say lol We haven’t met yet, so it’s always in the back of my mind that it might not be real.
S: I know, and that’s why I think I’m fucked up with the way I feel about you, but I like it and think you’re the most amazing person ever! Haven’t found a flaw in you.
A: Oh I have them! Do you fall hard and fast in relationships?
S: Perfectly imperfect.
And now from memory again. He does not fall hard and fast, and did not expect to find someone like me on a dating site. It’s taken him by surprise. He asked what my flaws are, and every one I came up with, he found a way to put positive spin on it. It was a bit of an intense conversation for me. I’m glad it wasn’t in person because I don’t know if I could have kept my composure. It made me anxious and excited and emotional. I started tearing up. The way this man made me feel is a feeling I’ve been craving ever since that night.
The next day was the last day we spoke. It was brief, just a couple of texts. I went out that night and when I messaged him the next day, I got no response. I tried a couple more times, and sent him a message a couple of weeks after on his birthday. Nothing. I already felt a little unsure of my feelings because I hadn’t even met him yet, but I allowed myself to be hopeful. And now he was gone and I felt like a fool. Even now, all these months later, writing about it makes me sad. I’ve always wondered about people who fall in love online before they’ve even met each other. I don’t wonder anymore.
What I do wonder about is what the fuck is wrong with this guy?! Did he scare himself off? He’s still on pof, but often doesn’t have his pictures public, and his city has changed. He was in Montreal last time I checked.
“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.”