Lil Jon

When I was in my late 20’s, maybe 27 or 28 (right now you’re probably thinking to yourself, wait a minute. Isn’t Amy only 27 or 28 right now? Thank you for the compliment, but I am not 27 years old anymore.), I was in a cougar competition. Since we weren’t even 30 yet, we basically disqualified ourselves. But kept playing anyway. Fast forward to my 33rd year on this planet and I have begun my actual path to cougar town. Btw, does anyone watch that show? I’ve watched all seasons and find myself enjoying it’s sweet, predictable storylines. And I’m jealous of Jules’ various wine vessels. But, I digress.

My path to Cougartown begins with a hot 20 year old bisexual, Jon. I had been talking with him since early this past summer. We met on Tinder. It was actually a weekend that I was in Saskatoon and seeing what Tinder had to offer me there. If you’ve never really looked around when you’re in Saskatoon vs Regina, humour me and do it the next time you visit. What you will notice is how many good looking men there are. Seriously, all the tall babes with a penis gather in Saskatoon. What also gathers on Tinder in Saskatoon are men from my past. Well, there was one. But that’s a different story. I’m a little all over the place with this story. Whatever.

Back to the boy. The boy with a man-sized penis. It turns out he was just in Saskatoon for some schooling of some sort. Those details aren’t important. What’s important is that we sporadically flirted and sexted for months before I finally allowed him the pleasure of pleasuring me. It was a drunken night in December after a Christmas party at which I looked particularly fetching. I decided I looked way too good not to be fucked and messaged him to come over. Actually, he was my second choice. I’ll write about my first in another post. Anyways, I got Junior to come over and it was a lot of fun. A lot. He may only be 20, but the kid knows what he’s doing. He was dominant and skilled. Sometimes, a girl wants to be told to get on her knees. It was hot.

There were a few weird messages after that. He was looking for validation that he was good in bed and had a nice dick. He would message to come over, but I always said no. Sure, he was good in bed, but I don’t like being messaged at 8pm on a Tuesday asking me if he can stop over on his way home from work. Or he would message me on the weekend as I was getting ready to go out and want to come over before I went out. I would message him after the bar like a normal booty call. He didn’t like that. After one such message, he told me to forget his number. I didn’t even bother responding to that. In fact, I laughed out loud. I guess I hurt his feelings. But not enough for him not to message me 2 days later. I booty called him again on the weekend and the next morning, he sent me a message letting me know how much he doesn’t like 2am texts. I believe his message was something like, “You only message me when you’re loser drunk and couldn’t find anyone to fuck at the bar. Go fuck yourself.” I laughed again and didn’t respond. He messaged me again several hours later and apologized for his message because he felt bad telling me to go fuck myself. I told him that if I was going to be offended by any part of the message, it would be the part where he thought the reason I go out is to try and get laid. And the fact that he thought I couldn’t find someone to take home. I mean, come on, look at me! I’m a walking sex bomb. I told him I know I haven’t made myself very available to him, but I don’t like short notice. Messaging me during the day or early evening and wanting to come over asap is no different than me messaging at 2am and wanting the same thing. He told me he just wants some effort from me, so I agreed. I said I would make more effort to see him if he made more effort to to give me some notice. You kinow, message me at lunch if you want to come over that night. He was ok with that and then we had a normal conversation. Fast forward to the next weekend and we texted on Saturday earlier in the evening and we were both going out. I think I messaged him around midnight or so and made a joke about whether or not it was too late to message him. He didn’t end up coming over that night, but did the next morning and we had some fun sex.

So that was sometime in January. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I sign up for speed dating at a local pub. It was fun, but no love matches. It was a small group, 10 women, 6 men. And guess who was one of those 6 men. Yep, lil Jon! So, if my math is correct, I have slept with 1 in 6 men in Regina. Great. I mean, seriously, only 6 men show up to a speed dating event, the first one I’ve ever been to, at a pub I don’t go to, and I’ve already seen one of the men naked.

That was the end of lil Jon. I haven’t seen him since, but he still snapchats me once in awhile.