The Kris & Kelly Show

Hey, did the rest of you happen to catch Sunday’s episode of my favourite nighttime drama, “Kris & Kelly”? It was the one titled: You’re So Emotional, Kelly. No? Well, let me catch you up! I arrive home from work just after 7pm and it’s been a long weekend of work and Passion Parties, and I’m looking forward to some quality couch and PVR time. But my roommate is watching tv and putzing around the kitchen. So I go to my room instead. Within minutes, my roommate goes into the bathroom and starts yakking. It goes on for so long that I begin to think he houses a small man made lake inside his body and is now trying to expel it. Or maybe he’s been possessed. Tis the season. Gross. I leave my room so I don’t have to listen to him anymore.

He goes to his room after and I switch to the livingroom to watch tv. All is quiet for a short while, and it’s glorious. And just when I’m settling in to some trash tv, my favourite (not favourite!) reality program begins. It starts out at a normal level of volume for a phone call. I can tell he’s on the phone, but I can’t make out what he’s saying over the tv. Which is perfect because I don’t care to eavesdrop. That choice is taken away from me as the volume of his voice grows. And it grows and it grows. Like a gentle rumble of thunder in the distance, I start counting the seconds between the lows and the highs, One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three mississip….Boom! High volume. One Mississippi, two missi…Boom! It’s getting closer! I’m right on the edge of my seat, my heart pounding! The storm is upon us! It all comes crashing down in a big booming “You’re so emotional, Kelly!!!”

This Again.

So, yesterday morning I get home from work, and the house smells like dog shit. Again. Just what I want after working a 12 hour night shift. Do you know why my house smells like dog shit? Do you? The obvious answer is because my roommate’s dog shit in the house. Again. And you’re right. But what I’m talking about is how my roommate cleaned it up, but instead of taking it out to the garbage bin in the backyard, he put it in the kitchen garbage and left it there. In the fucking KITCHEN garbage!!! Again!!! Fuck! So I take the garbage out and go to bed.

I`m relaxing and falling asleep when my roommate wakes me up by asking if I`m awake and needs a favour. He lost his phone and wants me to text his dad for him to find out when he`s picking my roommate up. So I do. His dad`s response is, “About a half hour. Tell him to be ready because I`m NOT waiting.“ Sounds like a real peach of a guy. So I tell Chris and he says ok, tell him to knock on the door and I`ll be ready. So I do. Except I tell him to ring the doorbell because we all know how well knocking on the door works. I`m falling asleep again and my phone goes off. It`s his dad asking me to tell my roommate `they`re in the city now. Fine. I tell him. I roll over to go back to sleep. Sadly, it does not come because his dad texts me again! This time to tell him he`s here. What part of come to the door and ring the bell didn`t you understand? Whatever.

On his way out, my roommate tells me he has a friend coming over to pick up Trigger right away. Great. This again. I ask him if she’s just going to come in and get him. He actually says to me, “Is that what you want? I could leave the door unlocked.” Yes, that’s what I fucking want! What did you think I would want? When did you think this through? Oh, you didn’t? You just assumed I would be around here and wouldn’t mind waiting for your asshole friend to pick up your fucking dog? Again?! Fuck. Yes, tell her to just come the fuck in and get him because I am going to sleep and not getting out of bed. He says he will let her know. This is all around 9am. I drift off to sleep.

11am. The doorbell rings. I have been sleeping deeply for roughly the last 2 hours. I’m all disoriented and it takes me a second to realize the doorbell is ringing. So much for showing up right away! I stay in bed for several reasons. One, I told my roommate this person could just come into the house. Two, I’ve only been sleeping 2 hours and do not want to leave the comfort of my bed. And three, I’m naked. And I have no intentions of getting dressed. So I wait for her to realize no one is coming to the door and to come in and grab Trigger. Doesn’t happen. Are you fucking kidding me?! I try to go back to sleeping, but I’m pissed. So instead, I text my roommate’s dad and tell him his son’s dog is still here and I am not watching him again all weekend. In addition to just not wanting to, I have some plans before work. Which would mean this dog would be locked in the bedroom for 15 hours. That’s not fair to Trigger, and it’s not fair to me to have to come home to the inevitable mess that he would make. The roommate gets back to me saying his gf will come and pick him up within the hour. Thank Christ. I let Trigger out and the dog must be comprised mostly of urine . He peed 3 times outside, and took a crap. I don’t think my roommate understands that this dog needs a feeding schedule that allows him access to the outdoors soon after he eats. I tell my roommate the door is still unlocked  and she come come right in. “Oh, so she can just walk in the house?” Yes! Fuck! This guy is suddenly concerned about being polite when he woke me up 6 times one night and called the cops to our house twice?!

I don’t know what is going to happen when he’s back. He told me he was going to send Trigger to Estevan with his parents, but we’ll see if that happens. I can’t handle this guy having a pet! But I desperately need a roommate. Sooo….fuck.

Domestic Disturbance

Wow, was that a night! I fell asleep on the couch in a turkey coma after having a lovely meal with some friends and their families. I woke up around midnight and made my way to the bedroom, noting that my roommate had not made it home yet. I was just falling asleep again when I hear my roommate and his gf coming up the steps. Mostly I heard Walter barking by my head because he heard them. Moments later, my roommate pops his head into my room and says, “Amy are you awake?” Well I sure fucking am now. What do you want? “Can I stay another month?” Uhh…I guess so. I can’t really be that picky since I have such shit luck even finding a roommate in the first place. (Side Note: It’s 12:20pm right now and as far as I know, the dog hasn’t been outside since sometime last night. He’s telling Trigger to go back to bed. This is the dog that could pee every 20 minutes if he had the chance. Maybe, just maybe, he needs to go outside.) It’s worth noting that he sounded drunk as fuck at this point. I can hear his gf, and another girl in the house too. This part doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t work in the morning and I’ve been that drunk person. So, party on, Wayne. I fall asleep. I wake up to them leaving. I hear a car start and then it’s quiet. Back to sleep. I wake up when they come back. Back to sleep. This happens again, me falling back asleep easily, because it’s just a brief wakeup. It’s not because they’re loud, it’s just because my window is open and my head is right by the window and the window is right by the front door. The next time I wake up it’s because there is a drunk angry girl’s voice slurring words about how my roommate is an asshole who tried to sleep with her. Now I’m awake. What I could make out was that she was accusing him of trying to fuck her while his girlfriend was asleep. And she turned him down. He called her a drunk and a liar and told her to get out of the house. She wouldn’t leave right away, so obviously the next move is to get the police involved. I hear him talking to police dispatch and telling them there is a girl in his house that won’t leave. He also tells them she’s telling his girlfriend lies. While he’s on the phone, this girl is talking to his girlfriend, and the gf is thanking her for not fucking her boyfriend. Who the fuck is this girl anyways?! She leaves while he’s still on the phone. So, I’m listening to my roommate on the phone with the police, plus listening to this drunk girl make phone calls on the street. Oh, and as she was leaving the house, I heard her call my roommate something along the lines of a “punk nigga”. I stayed in my room, but just so I can paint you a better picture of this whole thing, this girl sounded like a young native girl. Her voice was very little-girl like. My roommate speaks like he’s a cast member on Trailer Park Boys, and his girlfriend speaks like she’s the kind of girl who would date someone in a stereotypical trailer park.

So, I can hear this girl outside on the street calling various people, crying, I don’t know who she was talking to. At one point she said she felt “in danger”, and that she was new to Regina and didn’t know where she was and she was scared and begging whoever it was to come and get her. And then she called someone else asking them to come and get her because a cab would be really expensive. I heard her talk to several different people. For someone so new to Regina, she sure knows a lot of people already! At one point, my roommate went outside to ask her if she needed a phone. His dog got out, and he was calling Trigger back as this girl was calling Trigger to her. Trigger came back and my roommate came in and went to his room. This girl laughed and was shouting random insults and using the n-word. Shortly thereafter, the cops showed up. They asked her if she was ok and she told them she was bit by a dog that lived here. They clearly didn’t believe her since they just coaxed her into the car and then left. Great. I can go back to sleep.

Hahahaha Fat chance, Amy! Now that the random girl is gone, it’s time for a loud argument and breakup! The Real Housewives was my favourite reality show until now. Further information is revealed. The gf is calling him a piece of shit for trying to fuck this girl. He’s saying he didn’t. She’s saying she heard him and how stupid was he to try and cheat on her when they were all on the bed together and while he thought she was sleeping, she heard everything. (Heard everything, but still pretended to be asleep?) It got louder, Trigger was upset and crying, then there was a bit of a scuffle and my roommate says “Assualt! Assault! That’s it, I’m calling the cops and telling them you assaulted me!” She laughed and dared him to do it. He told her to get the fuck out of the house and give him his sweater back. She told him she would be happy to and took his sweater off and demanded he give her all her stuff. He wouldn’t give her her keys though. And called the cops while all this is going on. Because again, the obvious solution is to have the police involved. Like they don’t have real shit to deal with. So, he’s on the phone with them, telling them he’s reporting his gf who is drunk and trying to drive and hit him because he wouldn’t let her. And she’s disputing everything he says loudly in the background. (Interesting he had no problem with her driving several times before this point. Or maybe he was the one driving. I don’t know. But being drunk and driving didn’t seem to matter until this fight). She finally goes outside and is sitting on the steps. As you may remember, the steps are directly outside my bedroom window. Then SHE calls the cops! And says they’re on the phone with her bf at the moment too and he’s full of shit and she’s waiting for the cops outside and she’s freezing and wants to know when they’re going to be there. They finally show up and one is outside talking to the girlfriend (oh, she has also said several times by this point that she is no longer his girlfriend or fiancé. Did they get engaged at some point and I missed it?), and the other comes in and talks to my roommate. Listening to them, it occurs to me that the police are a little bit like bartenders, listening to the problems of drunk people, calming them, giving them advice and simple therapy. The police officer offered to help my roommate smooth-talk his gf about this whole cheating thing. There were a lot of “mans” and “take it easy” and sounds that I assume were chest bumping and bro handshakes. I’m not sure how I feel about this exchange. But that’s for another time. They left with his gf/ex-gf, and finally things were quiet.

Except that I had to pee. It’s roughly 530/6am at this point. I get up and since the roommate hears me, he pops his head out of his room and apologizes for everything and tells me his gf/ex-gf will never be here again. I tell him that she wasn’t the problem, but the whole night needs to not happen again. This isn’t the hood, I have nice neighbours and we live in a nice neighbourhood. And everything that happened was bullshit. To have the police come twice in one night for minor things that could have been solved by calling and paying for a couple of caba was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard of. I never want to go to sleep in Cathedral and wake up in the hood again. He apologized profusely.

So, anyone need a place to live? My requirements are minimal at this point. Don’t leave food laying around, have basic good hygiene, pay rent on time, no pets, and don’t call the cops for anything that isn’t an emergency.


I have roommate issues. To put it mildly. My last one moved out at the end of August and I spent that month and the next trying to find someone to take the room. I finally found a guy who needed a place just for a month. And thank god. Because it’s only halfway through the month and it’s been a trial already. He has this dog. Trigger. I’m not sure what kind he is. He looks like a pitbull or something. Super sweet, still just a puppy, but he’s huge. Which means he eats huge and shits huge. When my roommate is gone, he keeps the dog in his room. If I’m home first, I let him out when I let Walter out. Three times now I have either noticed the puddle, or actually seen this fucker lift his leg inside the house and pee on something. Once on my suitcase, once on a coat hanging on the back of a chair, and once on a bag. When he’s outside, he pees on everything. The bbq, the planters, the fountain, even Walter. So one day last week, I get home from work and as soon as I get into the house, actually, the porch. I hadn’t even made it into the house yet. There was a smell. A gross smell. I unlocked the door to the house and it got worse. I started sleuthing around to see where it was coming from and in doing so, opened the door to my roommate’s bedroom. BAM! It was like a wall of shit smell hit me. Trigger came bounding out, because he’s high energy and never does anything slowly. I look behind him and there was shit EVERYWHERE! On the floor, on the bed, on the laundry, on his pillow. And the smell. The smell. I slammed the door shut, let the dogs out, and immediately lit every candle I own and sprayed air freshener all around the bedroom door, and texted my roommate about the gift he had waiting for him.

So that was fine, accidents happen. Even gross ones. The roommate tells me he’s going to be gone to Edmonton to visit his sick grandmother for the weekend. I am looking forward to having the house to myself, since I decided not to go out to the farm. Friday rolls around and the roommate texts me around 5 to see if anyone came to pick up his dog. Ummm…no. Was someone supposed to? We hadn’t discussed my weekend plans or if I was going to be around, and he didn’t ask. And he didn’t warn me that someone would be coming to get his dog. How exactly was this friend going to pick up Trigger if I hadn’t been here and the door had been locked? He ended up asking me to let Trigger out and feed him. Which I did. But he didn’t ask anything else, like, was it ok if I watched him Friday night, or was I even going to be around. Saturday morning, he texts saying a different friend was going to pick Trigger up. Great. So I’m waiting and waiting, and I look outside a couple times and there is a vehicle sitting outside the house, but no one ever gets out and the doorbell doesn’t ring. He texts me and says his friend came to the door and knocked, but I didn’t answer so she left. I was like, is she a time traveller who doesn’t know what a fucking doorbell is? When someone only knocks on the door, I don’t usually hear it. I have a door to the front porch, and another door inside after that. I understand there’s no way she could know that, but I do expect her to know about doorbells. So I tell him to tell her I’m still at home, I will be all day and I’ll leave the doors unlocked so if I’m outside or in the bath or just don’t hear her, she can just come on in. He says he’ll tell her. I go outside and rake some leaves and in doing so, realize this dog might actually have a problem. I have never seen this much dog shit in my entire life. It’s a weird colour and there’s just so much of it! I raked half the yard and decided the roommate needs to pick up after his dog before I continue on. 5pm rolls around and she still hasn’t shown up and I haven’t heard from my roommate so I text him again. He texts back saying she did come back, but she didn’t want to just walk in. I call bullshit. I don’t think this bitch ever came back again. And what is she afraid of? Just walk into the fucking house! You’re there to do something ,then do it! And again, that’s the last time I hear from my roommate that night. So I babysit his dog again.

Sunday rolls around, and I’m considering going to Saskatoon with a friend for the night. So I text the roommate to tell him this. He says he’s going to try his friend again. She’s not responding to his calls. Super. He says he’ll come home that night. I decide not to go anywhere so I tell him it’s fine, I will continue watching his dog. And then I tell him my newest discovery, which is that he not only takes giant shits, he runs through them and then tracks shitty footprints into the house. I go out and get drunk and come home and guess what I find? Yep, another shit filled bedroom. I don’t remember much from last night, but I do remember trying not to throw up for reasons that had nothing to do with alcohol.

Oh, Trigger also jumped the fence on Saturday and I finally found him across the street down the back alley. And then he jumped the fence again last night. While I was drunk. Thankfully I noticed before he even got out of the yard and came right back. The cat is constantly in hiding. All of Walter’s toys have been destroyed. I talk more harshly to this dog than I care to because he’s just so fucking annoying and it’s not his fault. My roommate came home 4 hours later than he told me he would today and then was home just long enough to have an argument with his girlfriend, clean up his room, have a quick bath, and then leave again. So this puppy who needs a tremendous amount of attention and exercise is alone in a room, waiting for his dad to get home and love him. I was away for a few hours and let him out for awhile when I got home, but I put him to bed so the cat could come out and eat and have a cuddle with me and so I could have some quiet moments without constantly saying things like, “Trigger!”, “Get out of there!”, “That’s not yours!”, “No!”, “Leave the cat alone!”, “Don’t pee on that!” Just under 3 weeks to go. 3 long, long weeks.

I don’t think I’ve ever written this much about shit before.

The Farmer

I’ve been texting with the farmer every now and again, and last week he was in town for the day. I invited him over after his meeting. He’s definitely a small town guy. Really rough around the edges. Maybe not even just the edges. His big move was grabbing my breast and then blaming it on the dog. Speaking of the dog, Walter is very clingy with me. He doesn’t like being locked in or out of rooms when I’m with someone. So having sex at my house is always a bit of an adventure. Either I shut the door to my bedroom and then he whines and scratches at it the whole time, or I let him in and deal with that. Now, normally I can make him just lay down and leave us alone. But the farmer likes animals, so Walter already had him wrapped around his pretty little paws.

There I am, sucking his dick when I look up and Walter’s face is right next to mine. I don’t know if he wanted to help, or was just wondering what the hell I was doing. Either way, I couldn’t keep going until he moved so I kicked him off the bed. His response was to jump on the bed again, but go around me and cuddle up to The Farmer. So the next time I look up, Walter is curled into his shoulder and they’re both looking down at me. I lost it, I had to stop. I was laughing so hard and slightly weirded out.

The Farmer got on top of me and we started having sex. Guess who joins the party? Baby Kitty! Our weird furry threesome was now a foursome. The cat starts meowing, so while he’s thrusting into me, he also reaches over to pet the cat. Not exactly the pussy his hands should be on. And starts talking to her. Things like, “What’s wrong kitty? Want to look out the window?” My headboard is against the window in my room so he lifts the shade so the cat can sit on the sill and watch outside. What a nice guy, she said sarcastically. So the cat is sufficiently distracted. But what about Walter. He is laying right beside me, trying to lick my face. I push him away and he crawls up closer to the window. So now the cat, the dog, and The Farmer are all enjoying the view out the window while I get to look at the fucking ceiling! Walter gets bored and moves down the bed. He had a surprise for The Farmer. A surprise tongue on his asshole! hahahahahaha  And that’s how having sex in my house works. The queue starts here.

The Butcher

I haven’t been on a first date in few months, but I started chatting with this guy on pof and he seemed fairly normal. He’s a butcher. He actually messaged me awhile ago, maybe a month or more and we had a brief conversation about horror movies and he suggested we watch one together sometime. I was kind of bored with the conversation so I didn’t respond back. Fast forward to a couple weeks later and he messaged me again. The conversation was better this time and we exchanged phone numbers. He’s going through a separation and was dividing his time between a friend’s house and a hotel. We were texting late one night and he asked me if I wanted to go over and eat Chinese food with him. I believe he worded it something along the lines of “this may be forward, but would you like to come over and share some Chinese with me?” I declined because we hadn’t yet met and going to this strangers hotel room at midnight sounded shady. (It’s amazing the things I think are unsafe or inappropriate when I haven’t been drinking.) He was ok with that. We chatted for the next week/week and a half or so, and made supper plans for a night we both had free.

He picked me up (last Monday), and we went to Lancaster’s for some food and drinks. He was much better looking in person than he was in his pictures. We had nice conversation, shared some laughs, it was a good date. He dropped me off, and then texted me when he got home to tell me he had a great time and how nervous he was to meet me. Cute. I think I was his first date in about 18 years. But that was kind of it. We texted briefly a few time after that, but I haven’t spoken to him in days now. So I guess it was just a first date.

Speaking of confusing, remember Cam? So every once in awhile, one of us will text the other, just a quick hello, see how things are. I generally just do it when I’m going to be in Saskatoon. I was in Saskatoon just last weekend and sent him a message to see what he was up to. He told me he had the weekend off and to let him know what my plans were and we’d meet up for a drink. Oh, this was also after when I asked him what was new, he responded by telling me he and his girlfriend broke up. I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. But, I guess he wanted me to know he’s available? I don’t know. So while my friend napped, I was on Tinder to see what Saskatoon had to offer, and who do you think popped up? Yep, Cam. So, I swiped right and it was a match. (That means he had already swiped right on my picture, basically saying yes, he wants to talk to me) He immediately sends me a message saying hello and we chat on there for a bit. He was having some drinks and then heading out to a concert and would try to meet up with me later. Great! I sent him a text later to let him know where we would be. I didn’t hear back, but I did see someone who looked a lot like him across the bar wandering around like he was looking for someone, but I was trapped in a booth by some guy who decided to sit down and hit on me. So I texted him asking if he was there b/c I thought I just saw him. No response. For the rest of the weekend. No response for the entire weekend. I really don’t know what his deal is. Men.

The Towel Soaker

Happy Thanksgiving!

And now onto the Towel Soaker. So, I’m on Tinder. If you’ve been under a rock, Tinder is a dating app that is basically just used for hookups. Although I have talked to some nice men on there, and I do know people who have met their significant other through the app. Anyways, I started chatting with one man on there. Age-appropriate even. There were lots of “cake” references. I was baking a cake one night while we were chatting and it turned into how good my cake is, how much he likes eating cake, etc etc. I had him pick me up one night after I’d been out drinking and went back to his place. I’ve never been with a man quite like him. He was like Augustus Gloop in the chocolate factory, just couldn’t get enough. A pussy glutton, if you will. He was down there for a long time. A very long time. But it paid off. I think I actually passed out for a second or two because the next thing I knew, he was getting a towel because I had soaked the bed. It took two towels. And one for his face. I fell asleep a very satisfied lady.

I hooked up with him one more time after that. He was an odd guy. He didn’t even care about having sex. Like, at all. So I let him eat cake. After awhile I asked him if he wanted to have sex and he said no, but he liked that thing I was doing earlier. I said what thing? He said, that thing with your mouth. Really? You’re a 33 year old man and you can’t say blow job or sucking cock? So I said, “Naw”. And rolled over and went to sleep. What a dick move hahaha The next morning, he was getting ready for work and I came out of the bathroom to see him putting compression socks on. I cannot unsee that. He drove me home and that was the end of that. He was a smoker, and both times I spent the night, I stunk like cigarettes. The towel soaking was amazing, but, sometimes a girl just needs to get fucked, you know?