The 2nd Date Curse

Or is it just a coincidence? On my second date with Cam, I ran into a girl from my hometown. Her name is Sarah. Our second date was our last date. On my second date with Jeremy, I ran into a guy from my hometown. His name is Shaun. He is Sarah’s older brother. Our second date will be our last. These are the only men I have dated in Saskatoon. I shall go with the truth that they are the bringers of date death and when I see them, I know all hope is lost.

I will also add that in both instances, the brother and sister both appeared to be with his or her significant other. Suffice it to say that if these two can find and sustain committed relationships, there is hope for us all.

Hmm…on the otherhand, if even these two have managed to find and sustain committed relationships before I have, I might just be fucked.

Food for thought.

Jeremy

Don’t worry, Jan. This is not a post about Pearl Jam.

I don’t remember if I told you all this, but I joined match.com. I paid for 3 months to see how it goes. I’ve been chatting with a few men so far and it’s been alright. Jeremy sent me a few messages and he sounded like a decent guy so I agreed to meet him. He lives in Saskatoon and I won’t be back in Saskatoon for work for a couple of weeks so we were trying to figure something out. An opportunity came up to take a short roadtrip to Saskatoon with a friend of mine so we made plans to go out on Sunday evening. And in the meantime, he also decided he would like to come down to Regina. He has some friends here so his thinking was he could fit in a visit with them, and also take me out. Nice guy.

Saturday: Jeremy came to my door and greeting me with a bouquet of flowers. Every man should bring flowers on a first date. We went for supper and had a nice conversation. It flowed pretty well. But before supper was even over, I knew this man wasn’t for me. I wasn’t feeling the chemistry and I wasn’t attracted to him. I made a couple suggestions about what we should do next, but made sure not to suggest playing pool. Jeremy plays in a pool league and I suck at pool. I didn’t want it to turn into a situation where he’s trying to teach me pool by coming up behind me and achieving a dry hump in the name of coaching. These are the thoughts and scenarios that pass through my head.

We went to a movie and then he took me home and walked me to my door. I was contemplating how to get out of going on a second date with him, but he was such a nice guy that I felt bad about it. I figured I would give him another chance and see if I felt any differently after our second date. Plus, he was texting me after, telling me what a great time he had and how much he was looking forward to tomorrow.  Damn this charming smile!

Sunday: I told Jeremy I would meet him wherever we were going for supper. He mentioned at least 3 times that he could pick me up if I wanted. I did not want. We had a nice supper, but he kept trying to get me to try his dessert. When he ordered it, the waitress asked him a question and he made a joke about me sharing it with him. Or I thought it was a joke. It wasn’t. When it came, he told me to try some. I politely declined. He then said, “no, really, try some. I really don’t mind. Or maybe you’re one of those people who doesn’t like sharing food.” I assured him that was not the case. He then said, “well go ahead and try it then. I’m totally ok with it.” Again, no, thank you. I don’t want any of your fucking dessert. So I made up some bullshit about being really picky about my desserts. That just led to him asking what kind of desserts I like then. I got the feeling he was asking so he could commit it to his memory and make it for me at some point in the future. It would have been sweet if I wasn’t annoyed.

On to the theahtaahh for some Shakespeare on the Saskatchewan (Every year in Saskatoon they put on a couple of plays throughout part of July and August in a tent along the river. We saw As You Like It. The acting was fantastic!). We agreed to just take one car and he would drop me off at mine after the show. I had noticed his height the night before, and I didn’t know for sure, but I thought his profile claimed he was 6’3″. So I checked when I got home from our first date and yes, that is exactly what his profile claims. So as we were milling about the park waiting for the show to start, I took note of his height. Now, either I grew 3-4 inches, or he shrank. Because that man was MAYBE the same height as me. It’s possible he is even slightly shorter. My theory is that he shrank, considering his black corduroy pants were entirely too short for him and would have been better suited to a man of a larger stature and time travelling from the year 2000. I assume he wore his Sunday best because on date number one, he felt the need to mention the fact that he was wearing shorts on a date and felt a little weird about it, even though it was sweltering hot out.

We find our seats in the tent and there is not much room to move. But, the show isn’t sold out, so the people beside Jeremy move down a bit so they can have some room, and so we can have some room. I seem to be the only one who clues into this. According to Jeremy’s body language, his seat neighbours were poking him with fiery swords and threatening to take his life if he so much as even thinks about breathing in their general direction. The majority of the play took place just to our right. Jeremy leaned left. To compensate, I also leaned left (I probably should have apologized to the woman beside me for sitting in her lap throughout most of the play). Everytime I tried to adjust my seating so that we were touching as little as possible, he would just move closer. Have I mentioned that it was a little warm in the tent? Not terrible, but not like you want to be arm skin to arm skin and have to peel/slide your skin apart. And it turns out that he is one of those people who constantly looks at you every time something funny happens to see if you’re laughing too, and if the two of you have created one of life’s memorable moments. When he dropped me off at my car, I really wanted to tell him this was it. I don’t want to pursue anything further with him. But I couldn’t. He asked if he could kiss me. I said, “No.” I told him it was because I’d only met him twice, but I think we all know that’s not my general rule of thumb! I just couldn’t be cruel to this guy. Despite my lack of interest in him, he really is a sweet guy. He has a lot of qualities that I look for in men. But not enough of them to make me want him. He texted me later that evening and said again what a great time he had and how much he enjoyed my company (I didn’t think my company was that great), and that he hoped we could do it again. He also mentioned he hoped his inquiry didn’t change my mind about him. His “inquiry”? If I wasn’t sure before, I was sure then. I’m sure he was being concerned that he may have offended me, but it came across as being insecure. It was late and I didn’t respond.

As I said, he has some of the qualities I look for in men. He’s kind, polite, a gentleman, a good father, employed…but there were some things I didn’t like, and then all the little shit that I would have just overlooked become part of the reason I don’t like him. He told me he’s the kind of guy who likes his partner to pick whatever they want to do and he’ll do it. No thanks. He kept mentioning how he’ll do this or that when it’s “with the right person”. Like, going to a movie. He’ll go see any movie, as long as it’s with the right person. Or, going to a play is better when it’s with the right person. Or, he’s tired of doing things alone and wants to have the right person to do them with. He was trying to tell me in his oh-so-subtle way that he’s willing to do pretty much anything for “the right person.” And sounding like a desperate doormat in the process. He told me he has an off-beat, rank sense of humour. If he does, I didn’t experience it. There was no flirty banter. I need banter. My kingdom for some banter! His jokes were lame, and not in a cute way. I used my polite laugh. aha ha ha. Did I mention his sweet cords? He lied about his height. It’s a common occurence amongst men in the online dating world, but it’s usually only by an inch or so. Don’t lie about your height to someone who could put on a pair of heels and crush you. He’s technically still married, but legally separated for 4 years. He has 3 kids. His teeth are not the greatest, and I don’t like his facial hair. His hands were small. See? Now I’m just being picky. But I’m just not attracted to his personality or his physicality.

I should have just told him today. I chickened out. He likes me and there is nothing worse than wondering what the hell the other person is thinking. I did text him when I arrived back in Regina in response to his text from last night and assured him he hadn’t offended me in any way. But we didn’t talk about anything beyond how our days were. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will tell him I did not feel the chemistry I need in order to pursue a relationship with him. And hopefully he will find a woman who appreciates his particular charms.

Get It? Got it? Good.

Text message from yesterday:

Captain Sweatpants: So you enoughing me i guess.

If I’m deciphering his spelling and grammar correctly (and I think I am), I believe he’s asking if I’ve had enough of him. I wonder what his FIRST FUCKING CLUE WAS?!?!?!

Why I Don’t Answer My Phone

It could be anyone on the other end of the line. Normally when I see a strange number show up on my caller ID, I don’t answer it. But I did last night. It was Captain Sweatpants! Motherfucker. He called just to tell me he had a new number. After months of me not responding to his text messages or answering his phone calls, he thought I’d like to have his new phone number. He texted me later in the night and this was our conversation:

CSP: So where are u partying at tonight. I need to talk to you in person.

Me: About what?

CSP: About i miss u and havnt hard from u a very long time when u trave last

Me: I told you I’m not interested in pursuing anything with you.

CSP: lol so u ssaying are we not friend anymore

Me: I don’t want a relationship with you.

CSP: No i never ask u fro us to get into relationship. We are friend and i know u cool that way am asking for u

Me: Whatever. You wanted to take me on dates. I’m not interested. And I don’t want to sleep with you anymore. We aren’t friends and we never were.

CSP: Whatevery

Do you think he’s finally got it?

 

My Roommate is Awesome. Give Her Money.

 Here is a brief synopsis about her that I pulled off a facebook event page. There is an upcoming benefit to raise enough money to pay for the cost of a service dog for her (roughly $9000).

In April 2010 at the age of 28, Tricia went completely blind. She was diagnosed with fluid on the brain and blot clots in the brain. The fluid on her brain put pressure on her optic nerves, which caused the blindness and the blood clots caused debilitating headaches. Tricia has undergone two surgeries to lessen the fluid on her brain and optic nerves in an attempt to regain her vision and will be on warfarin for the rest of her life to prevent any further blood clots from forming. She has regained less than 20% of her vision and is now permanently legally blind. As a result of the blindness and continuing complications, Tricia has developed a social anxiety disorder and her best shot at a more fulfilling life is a Certified Service Dog. This dog has been selected and is currently in training, his name is Theo and he is a Border Collie/Cattle Dog cross. Tricia was once a very independent woman and she would like nothing more than to get her independence back, and Theo will be a big part of that. She is very excited for the opportunity to get a service dog and start her new life.

Tricia is amazing and her positive attitude is inspiring. If you’d like to help, please donate here.

 
 
 

Was That a Fat Joke?

In all the time I’ve been on online dating sites, I’ve had a variety of messages. Some have been sweet, some funny, some creative, some lame, some gross, some dirty, some pervy, some simple, some confusing. But I don’t think I’ve ever had anything downright rude. Until tonight. His message to me said, “I don’t think my dick is big enough to fuck you. Sorry.” What? Wait, was that a fat joke? Or maybe he’s genuinely sorry about his baby penis. Yeah. Right.

My response went a little something like this:

“Who the hell asked you? Your dick probably isn’t big enough to satisfy any woman given that your insecurities led you to message a complete stranger in an attempt to be, well, I don’t know what you were trying to be. Funny? You aren’t. I wouldn’t even pity fuck you. Grow up and eat shit you loser.”

And then I blocked him. His username is Fredcanada. Feel free to look him up on pof.com, or even send him some messages and mess with him.

I may not have the perfect body, but it’s still pretty rocking, and it’s a work in progress. I’m not lacking in male attention or adoration, and I could not care less about this asshat. However, what I do care about is that I’m probably not the only one he’s sent a message like this to. And there are going to be some women out there who will be crushed by his bold insensitivity. What a douche.

 

That Guy Was An Idiot

So, I had a date tonight. It was this guy who messaged me a few weeks ago and bailed on our first date a half hour before we were supposed to meet. No apology. I was not impressed. He messaged me again two days later and I told him it was rude. He apologized and I decided to give him another shot. Some of his texts were a little off. Since I hadn’t met him, I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or just a Dick. I had to meet him to know for sure. I already knew that I wouldn’t be starting a serious relationship with this guy, but maybe we could have some fun when I’m in saskatoon. Nope. This guy is a fucking idiot.

We agreed on a time and place to meet. Some pub on Broadway at 5. I arrived first. He came in and just sat down, no nice to meet you or even making sure it was actually me. He did not pay for my 2 drinks. I said I wasn’t going to order anything to eat, but he went ahead and ordered lasagna. He asked me what I did all day in this shitty city. He’s originally from Ontario and moved here because the employment rate in Ontario is terrible. I told him. He them proceeded to spend the next hour or so bad-mouthing Saskatoon, Regina, Prince Albert (ok he may have been right about that one lol), and Saskatchewan in general. He showed me his Top Ten list of things that suck about Saskatchewan. He thought it was the greatest thing ever. It was stupid. A couple were funny, like how every chick is head to toe lupu lemon and there’s no taco bell, but the rest was fairly ignorant.

I was trying to come up with a good way to leave. But I didn’t want to be rude and leave before he had finished eating. Goddamn manners! At one point, he had a string of cheese hanging from his mouth all the way down his chin and dangling. It took a full minute for him to notice.

I played a drinking game by myself called “no, seriously”. He said it enough that I made up a game. We talked about the delicious brunch I went for earlier that day. The price of it came up (24$) and he asked if I was rich. Usually he eats brunch at Bonanza. Does everyone know what Bonanza is? Its a cheap buffet. Then he told me they probably serve the same stuff anyways.

During one of his rants about Saskatchewan, he suddenly asked if I was native. Umm, ok, excellent question, I’m glad he asked. Yes, I am partly native. “oh. My one friend just hates natives. I don’t have a problem with them, but you know what I don’t like?” and then he ranted about government programs.

Speaking of government programs, he finally asked me a question about myself regarding my work. Surprisingly, that lead into how he hates saskpower and what a terrible corporation they are and he’s never had such bad power service. Of course everything he compared it to was in Ontario.

Are you all aware that it is impossible to fish, camp, hunt, and picnic in Saskatchewan? I had no idea. Those activities are only available in Ontario.

The back of his hair at his neck stuck straight out and the rest was not purposely askew. It was messy. You know that thing where a person talks and you can see saliva strings behind their lips? He has that. So on top of him being obviously mentally challenged, he has that going for him.

Oh, I made a mental note of this story he told me so I could pass it along to you:
I lived on my friends porch for awhile and one day my friend called me and told me he rented the porch to a super hot chick instead and she agreed to pay $300 more than I was. So I rushed over there to check out this chick and he had torn the porch down. It was just a prank! Man!

Good story dude.

Or how about this gem he told me after ranting about how few women there are in Saskatoon:
I was at the beach with some buddies and these four chicks walked in. They knew every guy would be looking at them. So of course they sat down all in a row. One two three four. (I’m just as amazed as you that this guy can count) They had, like, 18 guys talking to them. And then these four ripped six pack black guys walked in and went right over to the girls. I just laughed at them all. Bunch of idiots! They’re. Stupid. I’d rather be gay then compete with all these guys for a girl.

We were mid conversation when he just got up from the table and went to the bathroom.

He had his cell phone on the table.

He did not make sure I was through the door before he let go.

And his parting words were “so, text me later if you want.”

Back off ladies, he’s all mine!

If You’re a Short Dude With No Car, You Had Better Bring Some Game

So, if a man does not have a car, I’m probably not going to date him. Especially if that guy starts sending text messages telling me about the kind of sex he likes, asking what turns me on, and when I last had sex. And then suggesting we go for a walk around the lake and a movie after. But also asks 3 separate times if I’m able to pick him up if we go out. Not to mention this guy is only 5’9″. I’m 6 fucking feet tall. If you’re a short dude with no car, you had better bring some game.