After you’ve finished reading this, please, I don’t need reassurances about how awesome I am. I know it. I just need to write this out.
I never like men. I mean, I like men. But rarely do I ever like a man enough to feel something for him. But I felt something for Cam. I wrote this on May 19th and saved it as a draft. I didn’t want to write about him yet because he seemed too good to be true.
May 19, 2012
So, I met a man. I changed my pof profile location to Saskatoon since I’ve been up there so much lately. Thought I’d check out what it had to offer. One of the first guys to message me was Cam. His inital message was cute and funny.
“Okay, so normally I never do this. And by ‘this’, I mean message someone from Regina. KIDDING!!! Well that’s my quota of humor for this month…. so whatever expectations you have right now…. lower them a few notches. Seriously though, I really like your profile! You seem like a very interesting person. There are definitely some things about you that I can relate to. You seem like a very genuine person…. and much like myself, devilishly attractive! (lol… okay NOW my humor is tapped out). I apologize, my profile is a little on the lame side. I do that intentionally because I’m not the biggest fan of Internet dating, but it does defiantly fit the bill when you want to meet new and interesting people. If you feel like maybe meeting up sometime for a chit-chat, please don’t hesitate to message me back. And if not, no worries. Stay classy my friend!! Cheers, Cam.”
We exchanged one more message and he gave me his number so I immediately texted him. This was Sunday, the 13th. We made a date for Wednesday night and I can say it was easily the best first date I’ve ever had. Normally for a first meet, I like to just go for a quick coffee to get a read on the other person. But something about this guy put me at ease and we went out for supper and then for a couple drinks. I’ve definitely never been on a 4 hour first date before! Let me tell you about our date.
He offered to pick me up since I’m not that familiar with the city (but also asked if I’d be more comfortable just meeting somewhere). Again, I would normally drive myself so I have a way out if it goes south. But our text conversations were so great that I felt safe enough letting him pick me up. I met him downstairs at my hotel and he was so cute and had such a big amazing smile 🙂 He opened the car door for me which gave him instant points with me. I’m a sucker for gentlemanly behaviour. When we arrived at the restaurant, the parking spot had a bit of a puddle so he got out first and opened my door to ensure I didn’t step in any water. He picked a great little caribbean/mexican place and our conversation flowed pretty good. It had the normal first date silences, but nothing super awkward. And it turns out he even knows my tiny hometown and attended a wedding there once! Small world. About halfway through supper when he was telling me a story I was looking at his handsome face and realized I was totally turned on.
After we ate, we went to a pub and had a couple drinks. When our drinks came, I found out he had asked for a glass so that I could taste his beer too. We laughed and flirted and had a generally great time. He dropped me off sometime around 1030/11 (no kissing) and I thanked him for the great date and we agreed to be in touch, but after I got up to my room, he texted me and again said what a great time he had and apologized for his awkward moments and said cute girls make him nervous. I didn’t even notice that he had awkward moments. I thought I was being too quiet, as I have a tendency to do when I meet new people.
So the next day, he texted me to say good morning and we texted for a good portion of the day. At one point, this was our conversation:
Can: P.s. I can’t stop thinking about you today!!! Why did you have to look so hot last night????
Me: I may have been thinking about you too. Looking hot is just something I do 😉
Cam: Lol…. You do it way too well!! Driving with you was a bit of a challenge. I was a ‘little’ distracted. Glad I didn’t hit anything, that woulda been awkward
Me: I knew that dress was the right choice! (I had bought a couple new dresses the day before and the one I chose to wore was this flowy, low-cut turquoise number. It’s super pretty. And apparently distracting.)
Cam: I was secretly hoping you’d wear a dress! I’m really happy you did!!! Soooo hot!!! I know it’s not your fault!! Being ridiculously ridiculously good looking is a blessing and a curse!
The whole time, I was completely oblivious to his distraction. Obviously I knew I looked hot, but I didn’t know that he thought so too.
We set up plans to meet for lunch on Friday before I had to travel back to Regina. We didn’t get to go because he had to help his friend build a fence, but we texted most of my drive back to Regina. I know, illegal. I like to live dangerously and I only swerved into the other lane once. I even literally lol’d at one of his jokes. Texting him makes me grin like dumbass. I can’t stop it, I have no control. And just thinking about him makes my pants flutter. I’m going away for the next week and a half, and it’s probably a good thing because I already want to jump this man and not leave the bed for days.
We talked about music since I’m going away for a music festival and he suggested we make each other playlists so we can find out what we’re into. I planned on making mine when I had time over the weekend and when I woke up this morning, he had already made one for me 🙂 And it’s a sweet list. He picked songs and artists he thought I would like based on what he already knows about me. He obviously thought about the songs he put on the list and the last one is “I Already Miss You” by The Kooks. He said he had to include it b/c he thinks of me when he hears it. This man is ridiculously adorable. My playlist includes songs that I like, I wasn’t even thinking whether or not he would like them lol But I think he will. Oh, and his playlist also included this.
I know, one date and I already like him this much. He feels the same way. He’s so complimentary and thoughtful. He asked if I was vegetarian, or had allergies, or just didn’t like something before he planned our date. He’s funny and laidback and tall and handsome. He’s close with his family and spends a lot of time with his niece and nephew. He cares about people. Oh, and his name? Cam is short for Campbell! How perfect! Dear readers, I am completely smitten and I don’t know how I’m going to survive not seeing him for at least 2 weeks. I literally think about him all the time, which means that I have a constant goofy smile on my face.
Here are a few of the messages he’s sent me over the time I’ve known him:
You are too hot for words
You’re a really great girl, you’re amazing!
I was happy I got through our first date without staring at you like a creep. Cause that’s that I wanted to do!!!
I feel really lucky that I got the chance to meet you!
I reeeeeally wanna see you, no matter how quick our get together is.
You seem like you have a really great group of friends. That’s a bonus!
I was thinking about you…
As long as I get your company, I’m happy.
I have all this pressure to live up to, to prove I’m not a douchebag…Thanks!!! 🙂
The only person I want to hang out with is out of the country (when I was on vacation)
You’re gorgeous, funny, smart, and I can’t believe no one has snatched you up yet!
I can’t wait for our next date!
I can’t believe how much I like you already.
I’ve been creeping your facebook. Do you always look hot?!
These are just a few. I have tons of messages from him just like that. One of my favourite things about his was the way he talked to me. It was never disrespectful and he never talked about my body. We talked every day. The friends I talked to were all surprised that I was talking about a man like this. They say I’m picky and they never hear me say these things. And it’s true. I am and I don’t. I don’t waste my time on relationships that I don’t see going anywhere. I even surprised myself by falling this much and letting my guard down. (And when I was still responding to messages on pof, but not making dates, I noticed he had removed his profile after meeting me. So sweet.)
We had our second date after I was back from vacation and back up in Saskatoon. We went to a concert that I wanted to see. Again, he picked me up, opened doors, complimented me, we flirted and made jokes. At the end of the night, he dropped me off and kissed me. He told me how good I smelled and it was me who broke away from the kiss to smile and say good night. I thought it was another great date. Maybe not as good as the first, but still good. We made plans to see each other when I was in Saskatoon again the next week. He even had days off. Our plans fell in the crapper as we both got sick, and then I went out to the farm for the weekend. I was busy so I wasn’t texting him, but he wasn’t texting me either, and that was unusual based on his previous behaviour. It felt off. So when I told him on Sunday that I was coming back to Saskatoon, he didn’t seem too excited about it and told me it wasn’t great for him with his schedule. Understandable, but before this, he wouldn’t have cared and would have made time to see me anyways. I could feel him pulling away and didn’t know why. I messaged him the next morning to say I had an edo coming up that I could move around to match one of his days off and we could see each other that way. He never even responded. At this point, I decided I couldn’t be putting all my eggs in one basket and I made a date with one of the men who asked. You can refer to my last post to see how that went. It just made me realize how awesome Cam is and made me wonder what I’d done wrong.
So, last night. I’m on facebook and I decide to creep his page a little. Imagine my surprise when I see that he has unfriended me! That, combined with his lack of communication made me lose it a little bit. I never cry over men and I spent an hour crying in my bathtub. This was most of our conversation last night:
Me: Hey, what’s up? Did you suddenly lose interest? You haven’t been messaging me and I see that we aren’t friends on fb anymore. Did I do something?
Cam: I just came to the realization that we probably won’t be exclusive, so don’t want to waste anymore of your time. No, it’s nothing you did. Just wasn’t feeling good about things.
Me: You could have told me that. I just spent an hour cyring and feeling bad about myself because I like you so much. I’d be happy being exclusive with you, but if you aren’t feeling good about that possibility, I’ll get over it.
Cam: Don’t feel bad, we only went on 2 dates. You’ll find someone better that you really click with.
Me: It’s a little hard not to feel bad when I feel like we did click and you certainly seemed to think so too from all your messages. I just wish you’d told me this after our second date instead of blowing me off. And it may have only been two dates, but it was a month of us talking and you telling me how much you liked me.
Cam: Ok. Yes I was optimistic about things after our first date. Sorry I don’t anymore. I was sure of my feelings after I saw you setting up dates with other guys, which is totally ok. It just lead me to believe you were feeling the same way I was about things.
Me: It was pure optimism? All those things you said and that playlist you sent me? Just optimism? I set up a date with another guy because he asked and I could feel you pulling away and we never talked about not seeing other people. I never would have done it otherwise. I was still totally into you. And that idiot just made me see how awesome you really are.
Obviously I can’t make you change your feelings. So if you really don’t feel anything for me anymore, I’ll deal with it.
Cam: It’s totally ok. I’m not the jealous type at all. Just thought we were on the same page after that. Thanks for the compliment, sorry things didn’t work the way you thought. You’re great too, you’ll find someone great.
Me: I’m sorry they didn’t work the way you made me think they were working. You’re a really sweet guy, but this was a real dick move. I’m hurt and pissed that you worked on assumptions and didn’t talk to me about all of this. You’ve obviously been thinking about this while I was still wrapped up in Cam romance. I’m feeling a little mowed down. I don’t let myself get hurt this fast. I don’t really understand how your feelings just turned and you stopped being “optimistic” as you call it. I hate feeling like such a fucking girl!
And that was the end of our conversation. He never responded. I didn’t know him that long (only 5 weeks, but those 5 weeks were money), but from what I do know about this man, this all seems so out of left field. I don’t know what to think or believe. I could have fallen in love with this man. I cried myself to sleep last night and I look like ass today. My eyes and lips are all swollen. I don’t mind the bee-stung lips, but the infected eye look is not hot. I guess in the end, I don’t really have a choice. I have to accept it and move on. And the best way to do that is to spend the weekend celebrating love at a friend’s wedding, right? FML.
I feel silly and hurt and sad. I never expected to meet someone like him. I never expected to feel this way this fast. And I never expected it all to be ripped away.