Captain Sweatpants

I was hesitant to write this post, but then I came up with a very good argument for which to write it: Fuck ’em.

I got involved with a man that I should not have and I ended up hurt. That’s another reason I waited to write this. I don’t like admitting when I get hurt. It makes me vulnerable. I don’t like giving another person enough power to hurt me. It’s probably why I don’t enter into relationships. And why I’ve devised a plan and put it into action over the last week or so. I call it…Project Super Sex (I’m still working on the name. It may change.) It involves me having more casual sex. And it’s making for some great stories so far.

Remember Captain Sweatpants? I said I wasn’t going to date him, and I’m still sticking with that. I have absolutely no romantic interest in this man whatsoever. But physically, well, like I said, he’s pretty good-looking. Before I made the decision about CSP, I wouldn’ t have ever talked to him again based on my reasons for not dating him. But, since I made my decision around the same time that I met him, I figured I’d better put my plan into action. So when he kept texting me after our “date”, I agreed to let him come and see me and decided I should be wearing sweatpants when he came. It’s only fair, right? He showed up at my house around 10pm, in sweatpants. What a surprise.  We had a couple drinks and listened to music and he talked. A lot. I know a lot about this man. Including the fact that he is afraid of cats, even sweet, tiny, wouldn’t even think about scratching or biting, Baby Kitty. Every time she came near him, he jumped up off the couch. At one point, he got up to change the music and I was checking him out. Imagine my surprise when he bent over and it appeared that he was wearing jeans UNDERNEATH his sweatpants! Yes, you just read that correctly. I asked him about it. He said that he wears sweatpants over top of his jeans to stay warm. And also so that he’s always ready. For instance, if he’s at work, and wants to go out afterwards, he doesn’t have to go home and change. Or, you know, just carry a pair of jeans in his car and change on the fly like a normal person. Because that would be silly. Also, a friend just mentioned to me how fitting it is that for someone who often goes pantsless and prefers to not wear pants, of course I’d find a man who likes to wear multiple pairs of pants at once.

We spent way too much time talking. I do not care what kind of music he listens to, or how his mom and dad met, or what his roommates do for fun. I just want him to get down to the business of taking my pants off. And his. ALL his pants. So when we finally did make it to the bedroom, I discovered this: Underneath his jeans that were underneath his sweatpants, he was wearing a pair of shorts. And underneath his hoodie, he was wearing 2 t-shirts and an undershirt. This man is all about the layers. Not only that, he told me that sometimes, (are you ready for this?) he will wear up to 6 pairs of pants at one time. Now, in my defense, he told me this AFTER we had sex. I’m not sure that it would have been weird enough for me to kick him out of my house, but you never know. I may have said, you know what, 6 pairs of pants is just too many pants. Get out. I’m not sure if I’ll see him again. He’s in Saskatoon for work right now, so maybe if he comes home on the weekends. After we finished, he wanted to go at it again. I told him to put all his pants back on and go away because it was 1:30am and I had to work in the morning. He also wanted to get together again the next night and asked me to message him. I did neither. One of us has to play the part of the disinterested man.

I had never thought about it before, but is it too much to ask that I find a man who wears only one pair of pants at a time? And if he does wear a second pair of pants, that they be skipants because he’s riding a sled or going ice fishing? Are my expectations just too high? I’m going to have to add this to my list of things I’m looking for in a dateable man.

I’m developing a list of the types of men I should be sleeping with. I like to make up little games to play. It’s very fun for me, especially when all the players don’t even know they’re playing. For instance, I used to play a game I called “Email Suck”. It was with a friend who really sucked at emailing. I’d ask her how her weekend was and she’d say ‘good’ or ‘it was a shitshow’. No other explanation as to what she did. Then I would say, ‘why was it a shitshow’? And she would say, ‘oh, just all sorts of crazy things happened’. So one day I came up with this game, but obviously I did not tell her. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Good morning! How are you today?

Her: Morning! I’m good. How are you?

Me: I’m alright. How was your evening?

Her: It was good.

Me: Good.

Her: How was your night?

Me: Good.

Her: That’s good.

Me: lol (At this point, I thought, “I’ve won!” There’s no way she can get simpler than that!”)

Her: 🙂 (Are you fucking kidding me?!)

Me: *blank email* (That’ll fucking show her!)

Her: Are you ok today? Your emails are kind of weird. (Success! I win!)

One time, I went on a roadtrip with this same friend and some of her girlfriends. At the time, there were about 3 phrases that they all used over and over and over. So I thought it would be fun to play a little drinking game and drink every time one of them uttered a phrase on my drinking list. How did it go, you ask? I lost my phone, left my purse at the bar, left the bar by myself around midnight, don’t remember how or if I paid for the cab, threw up all over the hotel bathroom, and woke up with my pajamas on backwards and covered in vomit. Success? Success.

So, any suggestions on the types of men I should put on my list? It’s like a sexy scavenger hunt. I can already check off number 1: Man who wears more than one pair of pants at a time.

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8 thoughts on “Captain Sweatpants

  1. Who does that? Who wears more than 1 pair of pants (if not skiing or sledding or some other wintery activity)??? Captain Sweatpants indeed.

    I’ve adopted a similar approach with friends who’s emails or chats have become lame and/or vague. I’m “good”… everything is “good”, etc etc. Just like sex, if the other person isn’t gonna put out, then why should I?? 🙂

  2. Jeans and sweats is very strange. As for 6 … You’d think some kind of fungus would start growing in such a dark and presumably sweaty spot

    Only thing I can think in his defense is that he has some weird body condition that means he feels cold worse than the rest of us.

    Looking forward to hearing about your next adventure though i’m sweatypant man will be hard to top!

  3. I like the name, its like the big strip club on St Catherines that has the woman in a sequined cape on the sign. You are Super Amy, goddess of casual sex.

  4. Weird!!
    I have one–why don’t you go on a sexy scavenger hunt for a man who NEVER wears underwear. Legit–never. Not under jeans, slacks, khakis, shorts… never.
    How do you figure this out? More casual sex–gotta get ’em out of their pants to figure out what is underneath. Killing 2 birds with 1 stone? I think so!!
    Best of Luck!

    xoxo CD

  5. Pingback: Blast From the Past (and wearing sweatpants) | thehungrycinderella

  6. Pingback: Sex With Friends | thehungrycinderella

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