I’m a drinker. I enjoy it, I have fun doing it, and I’m not going to stop it. But I’m not exactly who people think I am when I’m drinking. My roommate Tricia was showing me a video she’d taken of me on her phone. It was the night of January 1st and we had a few friends over and got drunk in the basement. She made the comment that what normally happens when people drink is they become just a slightly crazier/happy/funny version of themselves, but for me, it’s times ten. And she’s right. Kind of. Those who know me really well and that I’m comfortable with know I’m almost just as crazy in everyday, sober life.
I’m actually a relatively quiet person. I don’t like to talk just for the sake of talking, and I won’t talk to people I’ve just met. I’m shy. But no one believes me. Especially if the first meeting they’ve ever had with me is at a party or out at a bar. They create this version of me in their heads that is only partially who I am. And I know why. I’m friendly, funny, loud, and generally a good time. People want to hang out with me. It’s true, I am outgoing, but sometimes, I’m not. I went for drinks with some high school friends while I was home for Christmas. I spent a lot of time outside and was busy most of the day so I was tired. I wasn’t all bubbly and I wasn’t drinking a lot. No one else was, so why would I? My friends kept commenting that there must be something wrong with me and why was I being so quiet and I felt like they expected me to be their entertainment. First of all, these are all friends that I see maybe once or twice a year, so when we’re all in a large group, I find it hard to connect and catch up and have any kind of meaningful conversation. Secondly, I don’t always want to be who people think I should be. This is starting to sound a little whiney and douche-y, but it’s hard to constantly try to live up to other people’s expectations of how awesome and fun you’re supposed to be. And there’s nothing more annoying than people constantly asking you what’s wrong when all you want to do is chill out and enjoy your surroundings.
Actually, it’s not just when I’m drinking. I remember going to a hockey game in high school with my friend and her sisters. During the game, I was entertaining them. I knew all the words to the songs playing in between plays, I was cracking jokes, and made them laugh the entire time we were there. On the 20 minute drive home, I was chill, just sitting in the backseat, quietly daydreaming out the window. They asked how come I was being so quiet now. And it was like they were disappointed that I was no longer “fun”. Yeah, that made me feel great.
So, this weekend is my first official weekend after working my new Monday to Friday shift and I’m not doing anything. So far today, I went to zumba. That’s been it. I have no plans to go out, and I have no plans to see anyone. I’m spending a quiet weekend with myself. Doing nothing. Having quiet fun.