I snort when I find something really funny, and the more I drink, the more I snort. I also snort when I’m falling asleep for naps. These snorts always wake me up. I had a 90 minute massage today and I snorted roughly 10 times and woke myself up each time. I pretended like it didn’t happen.

My massage therapist must have been hungry, or maybe she ate something bad, but her stomach kept growling. Sometimes it sounded like an inward fart, sometimes it sounded like bubbling lava, and sometimes it sounded like a wolf howling. I was mentally judging her stomach sounds until my stomach let out a longer, louder growl than any of hers had been. Let’s call it even.