Army Dan

Ok, so you all know I do the online dating thing. They have to give me something pretty special through messages for me to even consider it. Army Dan was not really one of the special ones, but, like a couple men before him, he wore me down. I started talking to him…ummm….I’m going to guess about 3 years ago. He was good-looking and seemed like a decent guy. So I gave him my number and we texted for awhile. We were both pretty busy (at the time he was a student with a parttime job and he had just joined the army. I was in the middle of storm season and working crazy hours) and so we never could find the time to actually meet up. The texting kind of dwindled and then out of nowhere several months later, he’d text. It never really went anywhere and I didn’t always respond. Sometimes it would be something nice, just asking how I was, etc. Other times it would be at 2am, asking what I was doing and if I wanted to hook up. This would happen off and on every few months. Last winter, he started texting me again, but quite regularly. He said he had been in a relationship for the last couple years, an on and off again kind of thing, but now it was over for good. And then he asked me out. I decided to take a chance and I said yes.

Our first date (if you can call it that): First of all, he didn’t have a car. I think he said it had something to do with his ex. Ok, I said I could drive for whatever we wanted to do. This is where my choices really become questionable. He suggests that we just grab a bottle of wine or two and watch a movie at his apartment. I agreed to this. BUT, I also told him that if I was going to hang out with him at his place, he couldn’t put any moves on me. He agreed to that. So I picked him up,(his online dating profile picture was clearly taken at least 50 lbs ago. He’s still a handsome man, but come on. Represent yourself accurately.) and we grabbed a couple bottles of wine from an offsale place (He paid, thank god. One point in his favour). Then we went back to his apartment. We had a glass of wine and chatted (mostly he talked, I’m not very chatty when I first meet someone), and then he suggested we smoke a little…herb. I very, very, very rarely get high. This night was one of those nights. I know, I know. At this point you’re thinking, “Man, I wish all my first dates were this cool.” I don’t think we really even watched a movie. I think we had something on in the background, some animated movie with penguins in it. He was actually pretty sweet that night, he didn’t put any moves on me and before I had even gotten to the main floor of his building, he had texted me saying how great I looked and he had a nice time. I decided to see him again when he asked.

Our second date (assuming you agree that the first meeting was, in fact, a date, and that the following events constitute a second date): Quite similar to the first meeting, we met at his apartment. It was kind of late by the time we were both able to find the time so we decided on a movie again. This time I just had wine. He got high and had wine. I’m fairly certain that he’s a borderline alcoholic. Every evening that I spoke with him, he was drinking wine. He went through at least a bottle a night. A red flag here, a red flag there, here a red flag, there a red flag, everywhere a red flag. Oh, and I forgot to mention that he smokes. I’m not a fan of smokers, but I can deal. What was a really big turnoff was that he smoked in his apartment. He opened the livingroom window and smoked beside it, but still. It stunk. Anyways, we watched ‘Crazy Heart’ and then I left. This time when I left, he kissed me good night. It was sloppy and there’s still an imprint of his tongue on the backs of my wisdom teeth. Once again, he texted me before I was even in my car, but this time he said I should come back. Right. Drowning in your saliva while simultaneously choking on your tongue is just how I wanted to spend my Thursday evening. No thanks, Army Dan! Up to this point, I just couldn’t decide if I actually liked him or not. And I figured if I didn’t even know whether or not I actually liked him, it wasn’t worth pursuing. Plus, that kiss pretty much clinched it for me. I didn’t see him again. But every now and then, I still hear from him. He’ll text me, usually after midnight of course. And here is the entire reason for this post, his text message to me from earlier tonight:

6:05pm  Army Dan: What’s up? Feel like a cock ride?

Boy did my Saturday night fill up fast!

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5 thoughts on “Army Dan

  1. If you didn’t feel it in the kiss then that’s that.

    Other offensives:
    smoking(gross!!)
    late night booty sexts(normal behavior for people with a penis)
    borderline alcoholism(yah, NOT ok)
    inaccurate profile pic(yah, NOT ok)
    the fact that he’s in the army so clearly doesn’t have a high income (yes, that’s an offense)

    All these are almost forgivable, but a lousy kiss is not.
    Just remember Aretha Franklin’s advice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLWd5tBuwds

  2. Pingback: Army Dan Tries For a Second Tour | thehungrycinderella

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