My end goal in the process is to get to 175 pounds. It’s on the higher end of the healthy weight range for my height and that’s fine with me. In order to reach this number, I will have to lose 185 pounds. I’ve already lost 10 so I’m now trying to cut myself if half. It’s a little daunting which is why I feel it is so important to give myself smaller goals along the way. I hope to lost 1-2 pounds every week and am already 2/3’s of the way to my first goal of 15 pounds. I’ll reassess when I lose 15 pounds and choose my next small goal. And when I hit 299, I will reward myself with some fun, transitional clothing.
In addition to the numbers I’m trying to reach, I’ve been thinking of the things that I’ve always wanted to do, but have either been afraid to, or just haven’t been able to because of my size. I remember going to camp one summer when I was around 15 and we were doing exercises in trust. We were doing that one where you fall backwards and your team catches you. I didn’t do it. We did another that was sort of an obstacle course. At the end, we had to climb over a hurdle by having two of our team members lift us over. I refused to go over. One of the female counsellors obviously knew what my issue was, but instead of letting it go, she unintentionally embarassed me. She was a little chubby so she had the two campers lift her up and over the hurdle and then said “See Amy, if they can lift me, they can lift you.” Really? She needed to bring attention to the fact that I didn’t want to do it because of my weight? I remember feeling red and hot and embarassed tears well up. Not to mention that she was maybe carrying around an extra 30 pounds and was almost a foot shorter than me. No comparison lady.
I feel like I am mostly the same person I’ve always been, but now I have the confidence to accept myself as I am while still wanting to improve. I accept what I look like, I have never looked in the mirror and told myself I’m fat or ugly. But I also know when I look in the mirror that I don’t want my body to look like this. And I finally feel like this is my moment. This is my time to change.
I hope that whether you’ve always been overweight or you used to be thin and have gradually gotten to a place you don’t want to be, you’ll be able to identify with some of my stories and realize you’re not alone and that talking about it and laying your insecurities out is what is going to help keep you on track. It’s no fun to be afraid to do something because you’re afraid of the judgement or the embarassment. And no matter how strong you are, your confidence will always take a hit if you carry belly fat and someone asks when you’re due, or a child thinks you’ll break something if you sit on it, or you suddenly realize that none of your clothes fit and you’ve been wearing sweats and pajamas more and more. So here are a few of the things I’m looking forward to on my journey:
Wrap a bath towel, not a bath sheet, around my body after a shower.
Shop almost anywhere I want.
Not getting winded walking up a flight of stairs.
Sitting comfortably on any chairs with arms, especially ones right beside one another (like an airplane).
Buying a cute retro 2 piece bathing suit. And an awesome wiggle dress.
Not having that weird jiggly part of my upper arm anymore.
The possibility of enjoying exercise. I’m skeptical on this one, but I’m hoping as it becomes easier, I’ll enjoy it more.