I have had two conversations over the last 24 hours that were seemingly unrelated: turkey bacon and leeches. Unrelated until I thought about them that is. Let’s start with the leeches. Specifically, “friend leeches.” The dictionary (urban of course) defines a friend leech as “one who systematically tries to become friends with all your friends by injecting themselves into your conversations, messaging your friends online or by generally licking your friends’ asses. Ultimately, the leech will aggressively force itself upon one of your friends. This will result in your friend spending less time with you due to the leech sapping your friend’s time, energy, and even money.” I am currently dealing with a friend leech. I’m trying to be cool with it, but I’m mostly just being passive-aggressive. I’m not trying to tell either of them who they can and can’t be friends with, but is it too much to ask for a little consideration? For instance, if you’ve just exchanged numbers and have only been texting for a couple of weeks and then make plans and invite me afterwards and tell me you’ve decided it should be a little party instead of a hangout and make it sound like I was a mere afterthought, well fuck you. (By the way, I didn’t go to said party purely on principal. Like I said, passive-aggressive.)
Now, over to bacon. Specifically, turkey bacon. First of all, how dare it? How DARE it! How dare slices of lean turkey meat call themselves bacon! I enjoy turkey bacon. It’s a tasty little bit of heart health. But bacon it is not. Bacon is crispy and greasy and salty. Mmmmm so salty. Do you know how long you have to leave a slice of turkey bacon in the frying pan in order to get even a little crust on the edges? Me neither because it’s impossible! Turkey bacon is a phony. A big, fat phony. Which brings me back to leeches. The way I see it, I’m bacon, and the friend leech is turkey bacon. It has it’s good points, but no matter how hard it tries, it will NEVER be bacon. And that’s why I’ve decided to take a deep breath and let go as much as I can. My friendship has survived tougher obstacles than this and the leechee has already been texting me to make plans and saying she misses me. My mom always said salt was the best way to remove a leech.
I’d like to end by saying, do not forsake the bacon. If you love bacon (and who doesn’t? Even Jews and vegetarians love bacon), keep loving it. Make it a part of your healthy eating plan by sticking a couple slices in a sandwich or crumbling some into an egg whites omelette. There’s always room at the party for bacon.