I bought a scale yesterday. I knew I needed to have one if I really want to track my progress and stay on track. I spent roughly 15 minutes standing in front of them, reading their attributes splashed across the front of the boxes, each trying to entice me to buy one over the other. The most important feature for me was of course going high enough to actually measure my weight. The last time I weighed myself was probably 30 pounds ago so I knew I needed one that went high. This is where I tell you all my weight. Are you ready? 360 pounds. 360! I know it’s a big deal to share your weight with someone, but I feel like I need to in order to make myself more accountable and better able to share my successes with people. Plus, if you’ve ever seen me, you must have a vague idea of how much I weigh. And if you didn’t think I was “that big”, just keep that thought to yourself. It’s a jerk thing to say to someone.
So, back to the number 360 and choosing a scale capable of recording that number. I wasn’t surprised, but it’s difficult seeing that number and knowing it’s the highest it has ever been. However, it’s just my starting point. It will never be higher and it will never be that same number again. As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again! Wait, that’s Scarlett O’Hara. Whatever. In addition to never seeing that number again, I will also never be hungry.
I found several that measured up to 400 lbs, but I hadn’t even considered any other features! Like, Do I really need to know my body fat percentage which is then broken down into how many pounds of fat I’m carrying around? Do I really need tiny electrical shocks sent through my bare feet in order to estimate my bone mass and water percentage? The short answer is yes. So I bought it. Plus, it’s called “Thinner”. Sounds promising. I was pretty excited to be able to track my progress and rushed home to open my new toy.
The first thing I did was of course weigh myself. It was an unhappy number. So I did it again. A slightly better number. I did it again. A worse number. I did it 3 more times and the last 3 all had the same slightly better number so I went with that. And then I read the instructions. This scale is designed to keep track of 4 separate users. You enter your height and age and after it calculates your weight, it will then calculate your BMI (I am basically half fat if you were wondering. That’s right, you could use half of me to bake a pie), bone mass, and water percentage. Sounds pretty cool, right? Sure, it would be if it worked! The instructions advise “tapping” the top of the scale to turn it on, but it seems the only way to turn it on is to lift it up and drop it. My roommate, Tricia, watched me bang this thing around for at least 20 minutes, cursing and sweating. She didn’t know it at the time, but that’s also exactly how I have the sex. Anyways, the scale would not allow me to enter Tricia’s basic information. I was pretty sure it was racist until it wouldn’t allow me to change mine either. I’m taking it back. Tomorrow.
In other news, I lost 5 pounds! Go me! I was a little worried after the weekend of drinking and party snacks. But little slips are just that. Little slips. No need to get all perwiggedy about them.