Do you believe you get what you put out into the world? I don’t mean in a karmic sense, but in terms of Laws of Attraction. Judging from the responses I’ve had from men in recent months, I`m beginning to think I`m going to have to stop having casual sex in order to find something meaningful. Let`s examine the facts.
QCR appears back in my life because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He has a girlfriend and his cake happens to be named Amy. BDK starts showing up at my house all the time and calling me. He still called me this past weekend, although thankfully he didn`t show up at my house.
One of the men I`ve been talking to on Pof is a repeat. We chatted a few months ago and we were really hitting it off. He`s sarcastic, handsome, tall, confident, a little arrogant. We spend our first conversation cracking jokes and start to make plans to have a date. We never got to meet. He made a judgement about me based on something I told him and just stopped talking to me. Whatever, douche. I guess you`re perfect. Then last week, he`s back on pof and hits the `meet me` feature. I recognize his picture so I message him and ask him why he wants to meet me when he bailed on me the last time. His reponse was, “I don’t recall the exact circumstances, but I’m sure it was justified and made sense to me at the time. I’m sorry now if that helps at all.” Oh good, an empty apology. My favourite! I refreshed his memory. He told me he`d let me give him a blow job to rectify MY wrong. Swoon!
A few days later, he messages me again:
Him: I`m never going to get that blow job, am I?
Me: Who knows. Christmas is coming. Maybe you should write a letter to Santa.
Him: I saw him at the parade on Saturday, he wasn’t into it
Me: Maybe you were on his naughty list.
Him: I thought naughty was a good thing?
Me: I guess that depends who holds the list.
Him: Well I guess as of right now, you would be the one holding the list.
Me: You have to be nice to me to get on my list.
Him: I’ve been nothing but nice to you my dear.
Me: Guess I’d better blow you then!
Him: If you insist!
Me: You’ve made me the happiest girl in the world.
Him: You should probably just stop being sarcastic and such and just come over.
Me: You know I won’t do that.
Him: Oh I’m well aware, not entirely sure why
Me: Because we’ve never met
Him: I know, forget the hook up part, just come by and we can actually meet, and bring coffe, thx.
Let me add that this conversation took place at 10pm on Sunday night. Our conversation ended with him basically telling me he’s interested and I should know that by the fact that we’re having a conversation (A conversation where he hasn’t asked me even one personal question. I should probably just assume he remembers facts about my life from the first time we spoke, right? *eyeroll*). He also tells me he’s extended the invite and if I’m opting not to go over to his house, that’s my call. Nice move, playa. Put that ball right into my court. I wonder how often he’s been able to trick women into his bed by being an asshole and making it seem as if he’s the one making all the effort? Before I can stop myself, I suggest if he were to actually want to meet for a coffee or drink out somewhere sometime, I would consider that. Why the fuck would I even still be talking to this guy, let alone suggesting we go on a date? Fuck you, that part of my woman brain that thinks there must be something good about this asshole of a man and you’re going to be the one who brings it out of him. Fuck you. He says, “Somewhere, sometime.” My non-committal, must-have-the-last-word response is, “I’ll put it in my calendar.”
Then there’s the guy who constantly messaged me only after 9pm and asks me to “hang out”. After a few days of this, I told him I am never available to hang out after 9pm and if he wants to meet me, he’ll have to ask me in advance and plan a date. He tried one day. I was busy and I haven’t heard from him since.
And that brings us to Asian Joe. Asian Joe sends me a message. We have some decent conversation. He wants to meet me. I had plans all of last week and on the weekend. I told him I would save Monday evening for him if he wanted to go out. Our conversation had been flirty. Anytime he started to push the boundaries, I let him know where those boundaries were and what I was and wasn’t going to chat about on pof. We set up a date for this evening. He was going to pick me up around 7. Shortly after 5, he messaged me and apologized for the short notice, but he had to cancel. I told him that was ok and hoped everything was fine. He said some friends from out of town surprised him and stopped by wanting to go for supper. Fair enough, we can reschedule. So I messaged one of my friends to see if she still wanted to go to a movie. We didn’t, but when AJ asked if I wanted to meet him for a drink after supper, I said no, that I’d made other plans. Then he gets all, “Oh, you couldn’t wait a couple hours for me? lol jk.” Umm…no, I can’t. Shit, I forgot the best part. Right after he cancelled on me, he dropped this gem:
Be busy till 9-10 I think.
But I’ll be honest with you, loved chatting with you thus far, its been fun and you have quick wit about you for sure. I want to meet up, however so you know I am NOT looking for a relationship ok? Just want to get buzzed, chat and have “sweaty” fun. I think you’re very attractive and would be super fun with you. Sorry to say but that’s where I am at in my life.
The next half hour is spent with him apologizing and asking me to meet up with him later. I say I have plans. I also tell him if he’s decided all he wants is casual, then that’s all he’s going to get from me.
Him: well I can for sure because that’s where I am currently. So are we in agreement that we should meet up around 9 or so and see where the night takes us? clothing optional later on maybe……. casually…… Whatever happens happens.
A few hours pass and it’s almost 11 and he texts me. He still wants to go for a drink and “see where things go”. I have already told this guy I rarely even kiss on a first date. He springs this shit on me tonight and expects that I’m going to go ahead and jump into bed with him? I finally have to just tell him to stop pushing the issue and there’s no way I’m going out after 11 to meet up with him. Casual or not, I find it disrespectful to even ask a woman to do that and then to push the issue is just a fucking dick move. Frankly, after he told me he only wanted casual, a switch flipped in me and any good feelings and attraction I had to him dropped to the floor. He clearly does not possess the playbook on how to be admitted into my casual rotation.
I realize how stupid it seems to sleep with some guy from the bar, and then turn around and not go to bed with a guy I’m actually getting to know. But it’s just different. I’m not going to fuck him just because he wants me to. Put some goddamn effort in. Men, whatever happened to taking a girl out to a nice meal, ordering a bottle of wine or two, giving your date a sweet little buzz, fucking her, and then never calling her again? Did you just get cheap and lazy? And disguised in what you’re now calling “honesty”? If you’re going to treat me like a whore, at least fucking pay me.
Which brings me back to my original point of this post. I almost forgot why I was writing this. By engaging in casual sex, am I seen as only wanting casual sex? By continuing to speak to these asshats, will that be all that comes into my life? How does one stay empowered enough to enjoy fucking some strange, and amused enough to talk to jackasses, while still focused on finding something meaningful? When it comes to sex, there’s a fine line between being empowered and being a real slut of a doormat. I think the perfect balance is having a welcome sign hanging up. Your guests can see it’s a lovely, inviting place, but they’d better ring the bell and wipe their goddamn feet if they expect that door to open.