Years ago now, probably about 5 or so, my friends and I somehow found this cab driver who is not really a cab driver. JJ is his name and illegal cab driving is his game. He is not a licensed cab, but he will drive you around in his truck for whatever price you think is fair. We used him a few times and then I lost my phone, and subsequently, his number. I had forgotten all about him until last year when I went on a date with this Sons of Anarchy, Opie-looking motherfucker. If you’re a fan of the show, (Obviously you are. You have good taste. You read me.) you know that Opie is hot. I call this man a motherfucker because we had a great date that lasted about 6 hours before we even made out (including leaving hickeys on my chest), and then texted me to make more plans and then completely disappeared. Thank god I didn’t offer him a nice seafood dinner first ;) since he NEVER CALLED ME AGAIN! Dorothy Mantooth? Anyone? Yeah, you’re laughing. So anyways, Opie told me about this guy who he’s been using to drive him around when he goes out for drinks and it rang a bell. Same guy! I couldn’t believe he was still kicking around.
5 years later and there I am on a Friday night ready to go home and looking for a cab and this guy in a red truck yells out his window at me, asking if I need a ride. I ask if his name is JJ, and it is! So I hop on in and tell him I remember him from years ago and give him my address. On the way we get to talking and by the time we get to my house, he’d gotten deep into telling me about his entire life history. I’m a nice person, and especially so when I’m drunk. I’m very sympathetic, so I lent him a listening ear. He has lots of trouble with his ex and the custody battle he’s going through with her. I listened, offered some drunk advice, and tried to leave a couple of times, but ended up spending roughly 45 minutes in his truck outside my house listening to his woes. I told him everyone needs to vent sometimes and needs someone to talk to. In my drunken state, I didn’t mind that it was me. He gave me his number and suggested I give him mine so he knows when I’m calling him and he’s sure to answer. Sure, why not? I mean, he’d have it the first time I call him anyways. I eventually get out of his truck and go into my house (after first stopping at the neighbour’s party and spilling a glass of red wine on his new beige carpet). As I’m getting ready for bed, JJ texts me, thanking me for listening. And then asks me if I’m single. Uh oh. I don’t know how old this man is, but my guess is late 40′s, and he’s not my type at all. So I say, I’m seeing someone. He asks if he makes me happy and I say yes. He says he’s glad and good night. Phew, dodged that bullet!
Just kidding! As if it was going to be that easy! JJ texted me the next morning to say hello and wish me a great day. Then he tried calling me. I did not answer. I finally texted him back later in the day as I was getting ready to go to a concert. He asked if he could stop by if I was home and let me read those papers we had talked about the night before. I vaguely remember some talk about papers and I have a suspicion they related to his custody battle. But I was busy getting ready and had a friend coming over so I told him another time. He told me to have a good time at the concert and call if I needed a safe ride.
After the concert, my friends and I went out and I scored myself a tall, handsome out-of-town farmer for the night. Or rather, he scored me because I’m always the catch in any situation. He aggressively pursued me most of the night, and really won me over when he didn’t want to tell me he was 35 because I might think he’s too old for me. He thought I was 25-27, bless his heart! When we left, there weren’t any cabs around, so I called JJ and told my new beau for the night he was going to have to pretend to be my boyfriend. JJ dropped us, plus my bf’s friends off at the hotel they were staying at. You’d think that even if he suspected this man was not actually my boyfriend, having him drop me off with 4 men at a hotel might mean my interest in him was non-existent. But it didin’t. (Just to be clear, there was no gang-bang. But there was lots of fun between myself and the farmer. The friend he was sharing the room with was kind enough to disappear for an hour or so before coming back to go to sleep. But he definitely saw me naked in the morning when I chose to walk to and from the bathroom in my birthday suit while telling him “Don’t look at me, swan!” It’s just nudity.) Now back to my JJ story. So, I get home and have a nap and wake up to a text waiting for me from JJ, asking if I have time for tea. I tell him no, I have Easter plans. So he texts me the next day to ask me for tea. Tea and a massage. WTF?! Massage? Getting creepy. I tell him I’m working 12 hour shifts all week, but if he would like, I could meet him for tea the following week on one of my days off. He tells me he thinks I’m shrugging him off. He wasn’t completely wrong. I usually don’t even make time for my real friends when I work those shifts, let alone a lonely man I met on the weekend and was nice to! But I just tell him that I work long shifts. His response was:
I understand but u need to live too. could there be time for us. I’m not giving up on finding someone to give all my love to.
My response was:
I do live, on my time off. And I thought it was tea as friends. You shouldn’t give up on finding the right person to give your love to. But it’s not me.
I think that was fairly straightforward without being unkind. He has not messaged me since. I broke up with my cab driver.